6/30/2005
Tilpasse

Whatever that means. This post is divided into three parts. I do have a lot to say, so this may be a freaking long entry.

Part one's about yesterday. Weirdly, I went into the bus and sat on an empty seat - and discovered Marcia was there. So we were shocked to see each other. I learned I shouldn't crack jokes like mahal kita because it actually incudes headaches. She was feeling dizzy after the bus went tilting from one direction to the other, and she ended up sleeping until I (almost) woke her up to say that she's almost reached home. She was even asking me for help in her latest project (an article on the rise of crude oil in the world market, all for Ang Pahayagang Plaridel). I was beginning to laugh in confusion about what to do. She was asking me for oil prices and White Flower at the same time. But, really, this is funny.

And a little bit thought-provoking. She just told me she noticed me and Ira aren't that close anymore. I actually went into deep thought - yeah, we don't talk that much anymore, but I shouldn't feel sulky or anything... right?

I could talk about more (weirdly funnier) things, but I'm bound to keep my secrets.

Part two's about today. Jason, I believe, is such a genius.

For his English presentation, he did a ridiculously funny (and something that's so much like Jason): present a story, cracking jokes in between, and then, he's paying tribute to Queen. He was talking about Girlie and Laki and how they had sex (not fall in love) and then Pandy enters (played to a lesser extent by Sudoy) and then in between he sings crucial parts of the dialogue - from Love of My Life to We Will Rock You to, of all enders, Bohemian Rhapsody. It was so funny we ended up using more than the alloted ten minutes - and I was willing to extend it because slowly I was becoming happy and sad at the same time. You know what Professor Gonzalo said about doing inspirational stuff? Well I became more depressed, for one.

So today I'll be a little busy with my exegesis in Revelation (which is due tomorrow) and then I'll go home early for practically the same reasons.

Which leads me to part three. This is, again, the depressing part of the blog, but it's a little bit happier than last time. (Then again, this will go down like the previous posts.)

To Kizia, who was asking me about what they can do... well, here it is.

I don't really know. Personally I have no clue. But I do know what I feel.

I feel ridiculously alone, despite all of the wonderful support (this line sounds like Vilma Santos, doesn't it?) you guys have given me. It's like every time I go into the classroom first I feel happy, but when more people come in and begin to talk to each other I just see myself slumping to my desk thinking I am alone. I end up having a bad day.

Most especially when it comes outside of the classroom. There I really feel lonely.

Although I don't have the courage to come up to you guys and say, can I be part of your group? because of my well-known fear of rejection (which reminds me of that message), I think I am warming up to you guys (again). It's selective, though. I feel insecure I don't have a group where I belong to.

Sense of belonging. That's what I wish I had. And not just about all of the reminders I have sent you. It is on a more friendly level.

So Jaja was saying Santugon had a better sense of belonging? I'd better join that (if they're still accepting applicants) all for that thing. And even if they're done recruiting for the time being, I wish I get that from you guys.

I feel liked, yes, but, as always, there's something missing.

So, that's it. And tilpasse? Oh, it's a Norweigan term that, according to Regine, means adjust. Physically, I'm okay with it. Emotionally? Not quite.

And your responses...

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