7/05/2005
Back to square one

I did appear on TV. I just didn't see it.

So, after me and Marcia had a probably unceremonius appearance on the nightly news, and then John and Lau pinpointing that we did appear on it, I ended up feeling a little bit bad. I didn't see it. So much for celebrity.

Now I realize the importance of sleep. I took the Revelation midterms and I got a score of fourty-four out of eighty which, by my standards, is incredibly low. I ended up sleeping at 23.00 (but not after disturbing a lot out of Caresse, who happily acted as my support group).

So, I woke up really cranky. I held it in Politics class, but not in English class.

For the first time you saw me got pissed for nothing.

Now I don't know if I'm actually feeling okay with some people, or if they're really hating me behind my back. Today's just isn't my day. I ended up contemplating about skipping class because I was feeling so bad, until I realized some didn't have anything to present as well. (I didn't find what I was supposed to find, and a few others didn't as well. The point, however, is that the person I was very anxious about for the last few days had it, and I felt our of her league.)

I ended up talking to Baba, and she was comforting me and all that (aside from Jason) because what we were given hit a chord in me. Yeah, it was about early steady dating. She had to reassure me I don't have to be intimidated.

I had a first today: I finally ate with someone. I ended up joining Jason, Baba and Sudoy to Z2, and later we were accompanied by Kevin, Clarence, Marcia and Ariane. Notably, on the other tables lied all my insecurities.

Jason told me one thing I should do to at least minimize the effect of my past depression: kapalan mo mukha mo. And I think I just can't. I, well, am not really prepared to do just that. I think I'm inhabited by the same insecurities I mentioned earlier.

I don't want anybody to get hurt, but a lot of the people I thought would be good friends of mine are my insecurities. I may be user-friendly. I have to look at the people who really care, and not just those who are happy enough to see my latest reminders.

I haven't warmed up to everyone yet. I have blinded myself by the fact that everything will go well with everyone. Now, it seems, the very people I thought I would be really happy with - romantically or otherwise - would be the very people that distract me from what I'm supposed to do.

Don't you have it figured out yet? I'm distracted. It may be natural but I do not ever want to look at her again. I just see what's missing in me.

And your responses...

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