7/08/2005
Peaceful coexistence

Peaceful coexistence. That's pretty impossible - thinking that nations aren't agreeing about things despite the many things that have to be talked about. Just here, just now, secretaries resigned expecting the president will resign too.

We can't just all agree about things.

In my case, I can't agree with myself. You all know the news (if you've read the past few entries then you have an idea), and now I don't know if I was just forced to admit that just to set the feeling free. When I'm supposed to feel happy because, finally, I can live without much in my chest. Then, this.

Yesterday, Anthropology reporting was so good, the group ended up feeling good about the work (complete with Professor de Guzman saying it's good that we decided to focus on human reactions instead of human fashion). I then said on Friendster: don't tease me or everything will backfire. I knew by then I was acting wierdly and presumed she already knew. But why, when I was told it is so, I suddenly get too shy about things?

Nagkahiyaan na nga. Teka, ako lang yata ang nahihiya...

So, Jason told me again, face your fears. And then I continued with that perennial tag line from No Fear: live your dreams. That did make sense now.

So now, because I was fearing a fallout, I stopped talking?

Today I was extraordinarily quiet. I was talking to Jason, Icka and Toni about that thing. I was trying to clear myself: why am I reacting like this? This isn't like flurry month - I am not in love. This is just a crush. But there's that pull that was triggered when I heard it from Cuyeg yesterday.

Am I just confused?

So now what if she knows? I'm not supposed to feel like this. If I realize that isn't actually how I think it is then I would hit myself in the head and say this is all wrong. And, somehow, they've been telling me that. And I knew that since then.

If I'm just going to lose friends then I shouldn't have done this. But again, it's me who's shying away. I don't know if I am supposed to be waiting for something to come. It's all obligatory anyway. Nothing special.

So, if I get the guts tonight, I'll apologize to everyone. I'll be misunderstood, yes, but that's what I'm supposed to be. And if she doesn't, then I'll hit myself in the head again and realize that I've gone through a lot of fuss for nothing.

But I'll apologize anyway. Whatcha think?

And your responses...

Post a Comment