7/06/2005
To the nine people who have figured it out

I am opening up so that she doesn't disturb me any longer. I've had many crushes, yes, but there are only a few who have a far bigger impact I end up doing nothing but curl up and suck my thumb. (Well, not really.) So, for the nine people who found out either through yesterday or today... let's just not spread the news any further or we'll end up having everybody but her knowing the news.

But what was funny about the nine or so conversations I have nursed is that they're all curious about everything I have said.

More importantly, however, it was an insight into what I really am (well, partly).

One question: "looks or personality?" I could have answered the former but I answered the latter. I could say I like Lau because she's nice, or to Jackie or to Loui. (But, I assure you, everyone's nice in the block.) I didn't know I cared for what's inside before. (But, please define inside. Haha.)

I never really saw myself as a sensitive guy, but lately - with everything I have done, from helping Ira out to having Steph or Kizia or Jaja use my jacket, and everything else in between - I saw something that I found weird from the start, but I've leanred to accept in the end.

So, you see me helping people out, however ridiculous it may be, because I think that's the only thing I can do. And everyone at YM was saying, "dude, she's appreciating your kindness." And I didn't know that.

Misunderstood and underappreciated. Well, that's what I felt before.

I was looking at my Friendster testimonials today, just to have a little sentimental trip. I realized it was there before I knew it (or it was because of the ridiculously new environment). Funny, helpful and romantic. Three words that I always see (although romantic was implied, since they were all talking about my crushes in elementary).

But it seems Geo's testimonial - way back when I had a crush on Chrystel, and when he had the same - he said it's okay with him because he doesn't want to break our friendship. Well, it didn't happen - and I'm still friends with them both, although we barely talk.

I have the same anxiety as before. If she knows, what will happen? Out of all things I'm scared of, it's a fallout. It's like undoing everything you've done.

We are good friends - although not that close, but still good friends - and I want to keep that friendship, even if it means letting go of what I really feel.

I told Lau I'm doing this to get this thing off my chest and go on with life. Do you think it will help? Right now I feel relaxed (and I didn't act weirdly like flurry month), so I think it's working. But it's too early to say.

It's obvious now. Or is it because Les gave Dian and Jackie giveaway clues?

And your responses...

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