7/01/2005
Walk off the corridors alone

Oh no, not another sad post. But the irony is that when you have a good day you always expect the next to be as good. But today, it's back to normal.

Although yes, they've begun to notice me (at least a little bit) and they're waving at me like I was part of their gang, I somehow feel I haven't done a few things that I've actually wanted to do. I have a lot of things to say and yet there's no venue to do so.

One more point there. I don't want to talk to an empty audience. So what should I do again?

I always see myself walking off the corridors immediately after class, walking to no destination (if not the library), and then I wonder why I have no one with me. When you guys stay and leave a little later, I set off again on another aimless adventure.

Rather than I become too dramatic, however, I should just stop.

Last night I was feeling too friendly (and, believe me, I was so enthusiastic it seemed like twelve months ago all over again), and since I was still up at ten after finishing my Revelation requirements, I texted Kizia again.

I told her, "Can you help me fall asleep?"

She replied, "Count your blessings."

And then I wondered. What the heck am I looking for?

I was trying to be funny. "I'll count you as one," I said, apologizing for giving her another excuse to talk.

Funnily, for the past week, I've been having a little excitement when a blockmate texts me (or when I text them). I don't know - it's either they're asking me again, or they're just telling me what I should expect. I'm the only one starting senseless conversations, and weirdly, they're replying to it.

So these are my first attempts into making myself really comfortable. But, for now, it seems I have a freaking long way to go.

I'm not yet there. I still feel sad, and after yesterday's sudden (although really awkward) happiness, then today's sadness, there's tomorrow. I wish it goes back up again - for that's what seems to happen. Everything links to something.

I'm ready to have friends, but I'm not sure if I could act as a good one to them. When someone has problems, for example, I go and help, but right now I don't think I can do anything about it. I've been drifting away and it's real bad. I wish I could help again.

And I'm not yet used to being in a group. Besides, I've been a loner for the past four years.

And your responses...

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