8/03/2005
Shallow joys and deep sorrows

Here I go again. Wednesday. The day I particularly enjoy - and hate.

I like Wednesdays because we only have two classes for the day. Today, however, as with the past few days, we've been obligated to attend something at U-Break; this time, it's a sexuality seminar (which I can't really relate to) to fill the spate of holidays which have been suspending our Orientation classes.

Before that, however, it was a long quiz in our Revelation classes. Please don't be misled - it was just ten items long, and we all got low scores (I think) as usual. I got three correct (because as much as I've studied I got a mental block), and even though I wanted to sulk, my only consolation is that most of the people behind me got three as well. (Dian, however, got four.)

So much for our extra credit for winning the Dance-a-Parable contest. I remember Sister Pinky writing something on the white board last Monday, outlining possible reasons why we got fourth place instead of third (err, nice expectation). Our dancing was one, our being the first entry was the other, but Jason without a pouch? It all seemed like a little missing detail but it actually meant all the difference. But three entries - great entries at that - backed out, and so... we get fourth place. And I can't believe we are fighting over where the prize money would go.

Then, for Art Appreciation class, we had to watch an old - really old - Japanese film (I know who made it and what it's called, but I'm too lazy to get my course syllabus, so please bear with me) for our lesson on, well, film. Although I enjoyed watching (and observing) I can't help but get bored. Today I got extremely bored I got deviated into thinking the film would cut it, but no! My mind was still going around in circles, but thankfully I remembered the fifty-five minutes we got to watch before the 11.30 bell rang.

Then, I decided to tag along with Jason, Malia, Ian, Sudoy and Icka for lunch. Although I hate parting with a hundred bucks just for food, I had to do so or I end up losing my sanity over everything that happened the past few hours. We ate at a Japanese restaurant (apparently stuck with watching that movie), where we taught Jason how to use chopsticks. We almost watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but I pulled-out because of budget constraints. But if I got there I would have been much happier.

In short, I'm not feeling happy again. I don't know. I just wonder why, if my eyes are getting droopy, I think it's either I'm sleepy or I'm breaking down. Just today Icka and Ian told me something I couldn't barely believe. They say I am always happy.

Always happy? Well I'm eternally sad (disregarding the previous post). They would try to tell me to be optimistic, but I just can't become one. I don't know why. A lot of idle time, perhaps. I also figured I should stop writing posts like this, because my blockmates are taking this as another form of sympathy-searching. In short, parinig.

But, is there still a better way for me to release all my feelings without acting a lot weirder in school? I'm sorry for trying to explain myself.

So... I could be happy outside and deeply sad inside. I still wonder why - and I still wonder if there's still something about me that's positive, aside from what Ian said - and what everybody's been saying for a long time.

I figured during my intake interview that I am looking for some physical socialization. Well, up to now, despite the few successful attempts to join someone at lunch (like in the past few days) I still don't feel good about it. Every time Ale, Les or Caresse talks to someone during English class I can't help but feel bad about myself.

Wait - I did the same mistake again.

And your responses...

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