10/28/2005
Providing space for admissions

Obviously I had the worst day today. For the first time, I had to cut a class. As much as I have shunned doing such things, the freaking bus had me waiting for thirty minutes, and then the roads didn't cooperate. 11.40 banged and I was just leaving Las PiƱas. I arrived at around 12.10 and, upon realizing that I am technically absent (even if Sir Marasigan doesn't check attendance) according to the school rules, I didn't show up. When the class ended, I cannot help but, for fifteen seconds, cry in front of Ariane and Clarence at the corridor. As much as they tried their hardest to comfort me, I can't help but think that - my selfishness coming in - my supposed reputation as that perfect student is tarnished. I curse that bus company to hell. I wouldn't ride that bus line ever again.

Second blow: I failed the Algebra quiz. I got 54%. I refuse to be part of that statistic. I deny all of this. This didn't happen. I know, I wasn't the unlucky one with only 8%, and Miss Hernandez even consoled every one of us (in some way) by saying that the lessons did get harder and test scores usually go down, but counter to that, some more people did get perfect scores (thanks to the "promos" she's been giving away). As usual, deep inside, I wanted to get my childish instincts out and - believe it or not - hit each and everyone of you. Seriously, I've got really violent tendencies. Some more consolations later, I am still not happy. My day has been variably ruined.

No, invariably ruined. Totally ruined.

I was at the bus today and I was grinding in frustration, even anger. Seriously, nagdidilim na paningin ko. The bus ticket was almost in pieces, and my heartbeat was going up to unprecedented highs. I arrived at school and, however, didn't attempt to run. I was hurting (even though I don't have to) but I didn't make a run for it. Yes, Sir Marasigan wasn't as hot-headed as last Wednesday (as some people say) but still, who would be happy?

Especially when it's me.

Algebra ruined my day, because, I expected at least a 60%. Now I'm at 1.5, and I might lose the dean's listing for next term. Then, the way the scores were announced - I practically hated it. As much as it raised suspense, I just wasn't in a condition to take it. Then, all my expectations crumble. I just wanted to scream and cry some more.

So, here you guys come in and tell me not to make a big deal out of this, or even shushing me, probably. But, right now, you just can't make me. First-timer lang po.

With that, is there something positive about the whole thing? As much as it doesn't seem to be, yes. Today, I realized that only a few people are willing to take that extra step for you. This week, with people drifting forward and back again, I've become closer with a few people, and drifted away with a lot more others. My core group has turned to drifters and begun to simply split, and I'm wandering with no identity once again.

So, who was it?

Aside from Clarence and Ariane - that extra mile earlier was something - there's Kim and Tracy, and then Derek, and then probably Jill, Malia and Kizia (that lucky girl). And, thankfully, Les once again. Somehow I've become disillusioned again, and they've caught me in some way. Thankfully.

Tomorrow, I'll try to make it to school in time. 08.00, another make-up class for International Studies. Although Derek said I was technically haead since they've discussed only up to the Treaty of Versailles and I've read up to the Cold War (not to mention the report I've done on it in second year), I still feel I've missed out on a lot. Yes, i just did. I am still grinding in frustration, but not that much anymore. I'm basically out of the campus now. I need a haircut. I need more assurances. I need to give Ale that payment endorsement slip I was holding on to since Wednesday.

And, most importantly, I need to set these things free. I really have to. It's my immaturity (once again) against your much higher status.

I'm immature, right? Just tell me.

And your responses...

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