10/22/2005
Sarcastic smiles and fake hellos

I was in the brink of another meltdown again. I still don't understand what's with that particular thing that makes me tick. Somehow when it happens my negativity goes up to unprecedented highs and it takes me the longest time to forget about it.

It's another CWTS session, and the only thing that makes it different is that we have a substitute tacher for today. Although I couldn't remember her name (I didn't bother because she is handling us for this week only, anyway), I have to say it was a bit interesting, especially when you think she was almost portrayed as that strict teacher. Well, with attendance, anyway, but still, I was somehow praying that the roads cooperate with me. And they did.

I arrived at around noon, but didn't enter the campus until around thirty minutes later, when I spotted Malia outside smoking. (This is not to put her in a bad light, however; she's attempting to quit, and that's a good thing.) Then Ariane came, with the outfit (here I go again talking about outfits) she wore earlier when she was hosting some quiz bee at the William Shaw Little Theater. We went together to the room, and there I was again, contemplative but silent.

That always happens on a Saturday, when I'm forced out of my comfort zone and forced to confront my blockmates for a sixth time this week.

I came into the classroom and got pretty confused as to what stance I'll take. Sometimes I enter the classroom in a good mood, sometimes in a bad one. This time, however, I was forced to get in a bad mood. Silently I was contemplating about what I wrote yesterday. I wonder what impact it had made today. I find myself saying the same things today.

What's with that particular thing that makes me tick? It confuses me a lot I end up thinking. When I do so I suddenly feel bad.

I think Marcia is correct for once. Maybe I'm supressing something really bad. As she said, "naiinis ka kasi alam mong hindi mo kayang gawin iyon."

Yes, the block has accepted me. I guess it must've taken a lot more courage for you guys to accept me after what I've done than for me to say what I've said. Now, however, with questions of trust floating and everything being said and done, I wonder why despite this, I haven't made much closeness with anyone in particular. You know - when someone carries you to the end of the hallway, or when you go around and just cry your heart out. I know, this is the same old problem I've been confronted with since the past years; this time, however, I just wonder endlessly.

Oo nga - I've said this before - naiingit ako sa inyo minsan. This doesn't go to anyone in particular, however. I just think (again, endlessly, and with you guys getting tired of it) about when it would get to the next level. If I'll ever get away from my drifter tag and finally be part of some group. But, as Jaja said, "hindi mo kailangan ng best friend." I think now, if it is correct, or if it was something that's supposed to do something else.

Before I went home I told Kim something - an unsolicited comment that sums up everything else. "Sorry," I said, "pero wala ako sa level n'yo eh." Maybe it did hurt some people, as I received another one of those stiff glances I got so used to receive, but still affect me a lot. Maybe I should have taken Derek's advice immediately: to keep some of my comments at some times.

Sana walang matamaan, kasi wala naman akong pinapatamaan. It might go like last time again.

Oh, and after leaving school, I'm not in a bad mood again. I wonder still, what that particular thing has that makes me tick.

And your responses...

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