11/15/2005
Change is breaking us apart

Things are indeed going really fast. With around five weeks left before the end of the term (rather, six, including the finals week), we're again harried with a lot more stuff thrown at us. Within this week, we've got our first quiz in Philosophy, an oral defense to get prepared for (in Rizal class), and another quiz in Chemistry, this time on GMOs (which the party animals have debated on). Within four weeks, a lot more quizzes and a music video to shoot, not to mention our research paper for English 2. Oooh, a lot to do.

If something has happened to me this term, it's that it has taken a toll on my sanity. But, as that statement fails to suggest, it is on the positive side (or at least that's what I want to think). Yesterday was almost different - I claimed to have taken personally the two losses we had in volleyball, although the scores were still in the double digits (twenty-three and seventeen) - but aside from that little explosion, which didn't seriously materialize since I was just too hyperactive to think of things (but maybe that was the cause), yesterday went pretty well. I was confident I got a line-of-eight score in our third Algebra quiz, not to mention that I wore yellow for that exact purpose.

That day, after hanging out for a short while with some of the party animals, and seeing Kitchie Nadal once again (but this time we let her go, with the exact documentation received days ago), I saw the thing me and my groupmates in Saliksik (I just can't remember everyone, so I'd better not mention names instead) made. Front and center (well, not exactly). I am indeed proud. Yung sa amin lang yung galing sa block (or so I think). It's all about the creativity sometimes.

Beyond Monday comes today, however. Another involvement, accidental this time, ended up with me tagging along with members of the Bonobo Society (wait, this is a bit unfair - big letters against small? Time to change your writing policies, Niko) to Red Ribbon to prepare another huge surprise to birthday celebrant Jill. They've planned up another one of those humongous cards and, aside from that, there were loot bags and party hats. It was all styled as a children's birthday party. I donated a hundred bucks to the cause (and had half-a-Chocomani) and helped assemble the loot bags, and when we got to the room we were all hyperactive. I meant everyone of us.

The moment Jill went in, the only thing missing were the horns you play in the New Year. Sir Punzalan came in and was somehow bewildered after things. They had the cake and I didn't. Still it felt good to have contributed time, money and hyperactivity to another cause. Right?

Some things still dragged me down (at least minimally), however. I found out that my Zen Micro is suffering what Les' MP3 player suffered before it went bust, and her diagnosis mentions no hope of a recovery. Ouch. Right now I haven't got any good reviews for mine. So, take my word and don't buy anything like it.

But with every two days or so of schooling comes two days' worth of thoughts, and I'd have to admit it was half-full of negativity. Weirdly I'm letting it all down. I once thought I've lost all of my respect to some people, which could have been the very reason I somehow don't get what I want. As much as I wanted to give an apology, I just can't. What they don't know won't hurt them, the saying goes. And it still does. Recently I've found myself saying things that are a bit more too negative to be necessary, and I haven't still got any explanation for such.

As I told Les last night, "the subconscious matters." Think about it.

Today, in another one of those rare occasions, Ale asked me for her attendance standing, and I somehow think she's annoyed at the fact that I said she has two-and-a-half absenses in English 2. Hyperactivity aside (I went a bit playful and asked her if she was really angry - she just smirked, or at least that's what I think), I think we're annoyed at each other. Yet, still, I told Les I think I still, since things don't just go poof quickly, somehow like her. But, as a few other people now know, it's been somebody else now (and please don't ask).

That other thing has been badly preoccupying me in recent days. With acceptance, it seems, comes discomfort. In the discussion about ethics in our earlier Philosophy class, it seems, I got pretty affected about what I think is right and wrong. I still think this is wrong - the only thing that changed is the acceptance, if not concession, that such a feeling exists. I chatted with Kizia last Saturday, and as I was (again) trying to ask for advice about things. Her little statement somehow got me into deep contemplation mode: "I still don't understand why you want to tell her so badly that you like her," she said. I myself don't know if telling people things really helps. Obviously trying to prevent another July-like situation (which is entirely different, I think) has got me in skepticism mode.

Always doubting everything. Think about it.

Happy birthday then to Jill, and right now I haven't got much to say to you to supplement that greeting. I'm pretty much confused.

To Jason, I will indeed miss reading your suddenly-defunct blog, whatever your intention has been.

To the other people who cared, yes, as much as I barely watch wrestling, shock across the fan base upon the announcement of the (still-unknown as of update) death of Eddie Guerrero.

To everybody else, I can't stop thanking everyone, but I can't stop noticing the other thank you's as well, and again, somehow, it's the unappreciated me all over again.

Tomorrow, after six weeks, finally, the confirmation. Can I do it? I'm sure I will, but if my nerves would save me the glance at falling down in shame, then it would be much better.

All I wish is to stand by my promise to myself. This, I wish, is the very last mention of that thing on this blog.

And your responses...

Post a Comment