11/21/2005
It's a not-so-silent revolution after all

It was in July when I admitted to myself something else was up, aside from my so-called depression pangs and every disagreement I had with some of my blockmates. I guessed back then that the moment I acknowledge what I truly felt would end up with things going a little bit smoother. The concept of release had never been clearer.

Four months later, I somehow regretted over it. Somehow I got slowly disturbed and distracted, but today, after much reflection, I'm willing to close the entire issue. I guess it's time that I do so.

The last week was something of a revolution. Yesterday I talked to much more people than before, and somehow, since it was also last week that I got more comfortable with talking about the little admission way back, it somehow went up in the picture. It always cropped up in the picture. I couldn't say why, but still, it weirdly felt good that after all of the keping things in - which I did - I was telling people and I felt I was having confidantes within the context of whatever it is I wanted to say.

So I worried about why I wanted to tell her in the first place. It was three weeks back when I had my first panic attack on the thing. You're losing it, I thought, and the moment you get too impulsive you're dead. Somehow I got an advance warning and I was coerced to keep it all in once more, and try to keep calm about it further. And I almost didn't.

Before I left for home (err, the Internet cafe) I talked to Clarence once again, and between the many secrets and revelations we've exchanged within the weeks I asked her about one thing. I just had to ask her, I thought.

"Teka lang, Clarence," I said. "Alam na ba niya?"

She wasn't answering. I repeated the question.

"Ah? Ah, oo naman."

So what's next then? I meant, I was happy that it didn't go like last time. With that came the fact that what made me freak out over Ale was not the fact that she knew, but the fact that I overreacted over things and even said nasty stuff about her. I know, I just realized that too later than expected. But Clarence was quick to tell me that I shouldn't have had a panic attack with the new one, that it wouldn't make any sense after everything else is combined.

"Hindi mo naman kailangang mag-worry eh. Kinakausap ka naman niya."

And beyond that - I have learned my lessons. I wasn't overreacting. Well, I almost did, but thankfully I didn't.

"Aalis na ako," I said. "Isasarado ko na 'tong issue na 'to. Magbibigay ako ng pangalan, tapos..."

She was quick to interrupt. She didn't want me to. And I almost overreacted again.

So what if she was good to me? That, after my every depression pang, when she invisibly came to my rescue and lifted my spirits? That, after my almost getting intimidated all over again? That, after I silently banged my head against the desk when I almost misspelled her name?

It was one roller coaster ride, really, and after all of that and more, I think I should thank you for silently opening my eyes and forcing me into reality. Maybe it was all gratitude or something, but later on, I think, it's beyond liking you. It's more on thanking you.

It was a not-so-silent revolution after all.

And your responses...

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