1/04/2006
Übermensch against the moon

Possibly the weirdest remark I ever received during the past few days came from Jessica on New Year's eve. You really are an optimistic guy, she said, and that's good. I thought, how the heck would I be optimistic if I'm the complete opposite? However, I tried to keep my hopes high, that even if the block has indeed split up, things would still go a bit better.

That, despite all of my cluelessness.

I arrived at school at around 08.00, with nothing much to do, seriously. My first class, Philosophy 2, happens at 09.20, and I was a bit nervous because I don't have anybody with me, and I don't have any idea whether I should have taken that class up. Thankfully, our teacher - still nameless - has proven to be a pretty good one. Although he looks a bit stiff, he is funny and relaxing, just like Sir Lualhati (sorry for the comparison). Since I was alone (Jino, possibly the only other person from the block who took the same subject, has the class on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon) I was ridiculously quiet. I happily answered one question though (although it was more on the subjective side I was happy I got through without further interrogation), and when we left the classroom I was really happy.

Surprisingly, me and Jackie are classmates in Sociology class. Stuck in the second freezer of the Miguel building (and subtle reminders of Sister Pinky's classes), we were treated to the perfect example of that class; a ridiculously assorted one, with kids taking up Psychology to LIA-COM double majors to Engineering, even. Our professor, Miss Go, happens to be a really nice one. She evn has this one-day-grace coupon thing, complete with kiddie stamps just to show its supposed validity. She dismissed us early, quickly eliminating my testing of my still-not-patented rush to the La Salle building for my next class.

Since I cross-enrolled Literature 1 class, I end up being the obscure CLA frosh among CBE sophomores. Good thing, however, Lei, my fellow confirmant who did the first reading on that day, was my classmate, but I wasn't expecting much aside from that. And no, I didn't get Miss Sangil for a teacher. Instead, I've got Miss Wright, someone who (still) speaks Filipino and is actually funny. We've got cards for recitation, some poetry reading, and the chance to produce and play a, well, play, as half of our finals. (Hear me shiver loudly.)

I met up with the BonoSoc today, after I prodded Lau another time. I did see her (with Jino, Ale, Kim and some others I couldn't really recognize immediately) at the amphitheater the moment I was waiting for Literature 1 class to start. I went down earlier than expected (another early dismissal) and met up with a lot more people; Huey was there, as well as Jason (who I remembered first upon entering the campus), Joy (who is my classmate in Biology lab class, thankfully) and Kaymee. We ended up going to Mildred's for what could possibly be one of the few lunches I would actually enjoy. Jaja, Jackie, Jill, Malia, Sudoy, Cuyeg, Nico and Sara and even popped up to add more to the excitement. However, it just wasn't my day. For the first time in four months, I couldn't entirely relate to anyone, and I was as sad as I was in my first days in college.

And then I end up thinking whether this term would be a bit happier than before, or even the same as the last one, because for the first time, I realized I wasn't myself today. Adjustment, sure, but I cannot be hyperactive all at the same time, you know. It's simply hard.

And you say I was optimistic? Sure.

I saw Jenn today, just the way she predicted it. We were talking at the Miguel lobby just as we waited for our classes. I found myself staring at space, which isn't anything good at all. I was getting sleepy, but not because of the conversation, but because of the anxiousness. I don't know. Maybe I just don't want uncertainties to come back. I'm not used to this anymore, obviously.

So, what did I miss first thing today?

I miss Caresse, weirdly. I just didn't see her, or maybe it's because I worked with her photo for the layout.

I miss the party animals. They were nowhere to be seen. Just when I thought I would be feeling a lot more better with them, I lose all contact.

I miss waiting in the classroom.

I miss the questions people just ask me.

Most importantly, I miss myself. It doesn't seem like I'm still me, after all of this. And Jason saying LR19 was something like fantasy-dream world? And Clarence saying we would end up as monsters somehow?

I am, indeed, afraid of change. And facing it solo is even worse.

And your responses...

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