2/16/2006
Identity versus identity conflict

So it's another time for getting overly dramatic over things. Unexpectedly, the psychological side of Valentine's day, a couple of days after it actually took place. Just when we decided to, well, try to move on a bit from the torture that was the collection of huge bouquets, balloons that say "I love you" and the bitter singles, here we go again, struck by inspiration. But I guess inspiration has become my little excuse for writing dramatic stuff.

The three components of love, according to Robert Sternberg, are intimacy, passion and commitment. The first goes to those who feel really close and connected with others (to the point that there's even such a thing as - how should I call it? - unreal intimacy). The second is, simply said, the person wanting to be with that other person - in fact, the term used, by Miss Calleja at least, is intense longing. The last one states the need of one to be with the other for a long time. So, it means, the first two means romance, and the second one solo means, err, lust?

But why this, now? I guess after talking about stuff I never thought I would've talked about - name-dropping sometimes isn't beneficial for me, probably - I realize I'm acting pretty weird in recent days. Either my mind's gone the way of scrambled eggs, or I'm just getting too disturbed for pretty much the same things.

After I typed in Monday's post, I got to talk with Caresse about the same old stuff I've wanted to open. You know, my issues, and probably her issues as well. Before she went to swim we were there, seated in the stairs to the sports complex, and just began to talk. Obviously I missed talking to her, either online or not - things have drifted different ways in recent weeks, I barely have any clue where to position myself. I remember her opening up one issue I badly confronted in the start of the first term: not having any close friends. Or, maybe I've gotten past that college adjustment stage, but there are still times when I feel left out among the crowd, when I feel like I've been given the "walang pumansin sa'yo!" line Malia just introduced us in her latest post. Disillusionment, simply said. I guess that's one reason why I feel so down on some days.

So maybe I was just looking for someone to be, well, close to. I admit high school wasn't that a rewarding experience, with classmates who barely cared for others. And, I could possibly go to saying that I'm still one of those kids trying to get through a really tough world, but I guess I shouldn't. I'm grateful for where I am and I'm kinda happy about (some of) the crazy stuff I've done. Or maybe I shouldn't, because my reputation kinds got ruined, but then I couldn't do anything about it anymore.

So back to what Caresse said. Admittedly I'm a drifter, fluttering between friends and more friends, but still without any group to, err, call home. I'm not looking for one in particular, but if anybody's noticed I sometimes end up just getting quiet and getting dragged down inside. Sometimes there's this side of me wishing for someone to be with, to at least get comfortable with - someone who I can cry on, to laugh with, to just talk like there's no tomorrow. I guess for some I've tried to relate, but couldn't.

There have been times when I don't know what to do with the day, when I see people and get bothered over what I should do. I don't know who I am, at some times - it seems I've done impossible things, or was that the extent of how I've degraded myself?

When I declared to the world I was having what I called party animal disillusionment - which loosely means surprise as to what distance has done - I meant it. Well, not simply because I got seriously shocked over not seeing Kizia after more than a term as seatmates, but because suddenly I haven't got anyone to talk to about stuff. Clarence's phone is still down, somehow. Ariane's connections still aren't working. I'm not that close with the other members. And, not to mention my recent shame towards the group itself because of just one person, the way Ale's presence affected my outlook towards the BonoSoc. So maybe I'm still looking for someone to talk to, and with me still unrelating to some of my blockmates - you've guessed it - a little chain reaction.

I forgot what else we've talked about, but three days after that chat, and after leaving school uncomfortably due to a high number of epiphanies, it's all still rattling me. Well, not in a shocking way like before.

Today's gone on well, except for that Biology midterm exam that gave me doubt as to whether I could even get a 3.0 in the class. John's Filipino 1 play was dubbed hilariously (the king's voiceover reminded Sir Vin of - do you remember Fulgoso?), and in Biology lab class me, Joy, MC and Therese made some yogurt. There was this promise of a yogurt party next week, after our midterms for that subject. And, weirdly, Tini (should I call her that, Ale?) wasn't there for Psychology class, and her friends aren't prodding me either. I guess that's it, then.

And then this, in the middle of chatting with Katia through GMail instead of Yahoo! Messenger, the realization that love isn't necessarily all about the bouquets, the balloons and the brad attacks (still Nico's trademark), but instead has simply become a reason to spend money (as Clarence said) and make other people feel bad (my viewpoint). However, there was still this occasion earlier, at lunch time, when I was at the amphitheater with Nico, Ale, Jino and Kim, and they were asking me about my Valentine's day. Then comes the pressure.

"Ba't di mo binigyan?" they asked.

"Bakit ko naman bibigyan?" I answered. That sounded rude, again, but admittedly - and like I haven't drilled that down before - I'm trying to get away.

Then we went up Miguel, and I was walking past M319 - and she came out the moment I was about to walk past the door. Three days in a row.

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