2/13/2006
If anybody knew how much it mattered

"Akala mo wala na tas pag bumalik, bam."

Welcome to what I would have loved to call recovery mode. Apparently, it wouldn't be quickly the case. Two nights ago I was quiet in front of the computer, quietly reminiscing about stuff and, of course, she would occasionally cross my thoughts. Why wouldn't I - Kizia wasn't there that morning for CWTS class. I went through the day without worrying or otherwise. I thought I got over her. Apparently, not quite.

After what happened months before, I forgot how it felt to feel really let down by something you're even uncertain about. Have I been too comfortable? Admittedly I'm still confused about what to say right now, but I guess reasons have compelled me to start typing impulsively.

Last night I was talking Valentine's day with a couple of people, probably because I was so bored and I got fed up with coverage, on both dials, of Saturday night's Lovapalooza. I even remember me and Kim joking around, since I was supposed to bring Lau to the event - two single guys, kissing at midnight. Of course, I was just my normal hyperactive self, and I didn't mean anything. If it were true, however, then it would be unimaginable. Me committing? I thought I was a coward.

Katia gave me a free plug a couple of days ago, and then she found me online and we ended up chatting. In between me and her Chinese boyfriend (who, apparently, doesn't speak any Filipino) were those little details about my trashed-up life. It seemed she was trying to guess who I kept on referring to. Common mistake: she thought it was Clarence, the way Huey did a couple of months ago. She had names but no one seemed to match.

Well, I guess things have begun revolving around impossible stuff. She guessed Caresse, and even Ariane. I remember those mushy posts Caresse began to write in her blog, and then I remember those little quips I told Ariane that same night. Who knows, baka may crush din ako sa kanya, but I guess it isn't really the case. Probably there's this comfortable zone that you just enter with some people, with which you deem yourself safe.

Why is it that I, or anybody else for this case, likes people that seem too detached - wait, rephrase needed - too, err, unreachable?

It was a little miracle when Ale went online. Apparently I was thinking of the same thing, that the day would come that I catch her online without her sneaking the instant messenger applications. Junping around and trying to think of what I would write for this post - apparently, inspiration strikes from nowhere - we ended up talking about, well, her, again. But it was this first time between us - I do remember, though, her mentioning that she knew - and then, weirdly. I demolished my reservations and just spoke.

But she dropped the question first. "Mahal mo na, no?"

I thought I just refuted that question before. Or was I clinging to false hopes?

So there we went, and then, for once, I was acting love fool to Ale acting as love doctor. It was some kind of role reversal, the only difference being she knows much more - how much more clueless would I be? I must've been clueless despite the help I've given some on related issues. It's still a bit weird, admittedly. But I was talking - and boy, was I talking. Although it seemed what I've done wasn't much help - naungkat lang lahat - but it was release, as usual, only the circumstances were a bit different.

So two nights ago my thoughts drifted to her, my supposed insignificance, my supposed comforts, my sanity, my thought bubbles, everything - and then all hell broke loose. Ale asked me the question I've asked myself many times before. Am I in love with a girl named Kizia?

If anybody knew how much she mattered. But I'd like to answer negatively.

If only there was a definitive manual that led to me understanding how it really feels, but I guess these things would be left to the unwritten section. Maybe I wouldn't ever know how it feels to love. Maybe this period would be simply delegated to the infatuation bin, to the point that I'm simply exaggerating it all. Nobody would know how much I'm feeling right now - not for her, but for myself, for the mere fact that I'm having pity over my despair and my constantly rattled nerves. I guess no one would know the way my friends knew. And no, I'm not being pressured to do the same. I somehow still remain steadfast over my decisions. I guess I've stumbled then.

"Do you think letting it go would really set you free?"

Would it? If right now I'm feeling barely indifferent...

I almost texted Kizia last night - you know, whenever you just feel like chatting, but at the same time you're doing something else. You're trying to get over - and you've looked at others - but, as everybody's said, something hurts, still. Deep in there it hurts.

In the middle of the melancholy, I try to stand up and say to myself, this is just a phase.

So yes, I've had enough of the mush surrounding the past few days, from the many features on flower prices to movie love teams to midnight kisses, from the overpromoted movies and concerts to the recurrence of that perennial you got me at hello line. I've got no indfference to love, or whatever it actually feels, but this time, I guess, I'm simply confused over what to do next. I am making a big fuss. She asked me not to, for once. Right now, I'll try to get past tomorrow, everything, all those mush, you...

...well, I couldn't do anything about it. And I did look like a desparate romantic, slowly getting alienated.

I'm not bitter or anything. All I probably want to do is know, both ways.

Tomorrow, it's Valentine's day. And, as I see its insignificance in my life, since I still want to think I'm not in love with anyone, or am willing to do so in the next few days, probably all I would do is get past the day, but only after I climb up the fourth floor and work on our midterm report. That way I get over for one day, and then long the next.

I endlessly drift across, without anybody in sight. I'll skip the thought. This is definitely not what I wanted to happen.

And I thought admiring from a distance does wonders for your health.

It's Valentine's day tomorrow. Who are you spending it with?

And your responses...

ang haba naman ng entry mo..umm...bakit hindi mo sagutin yung tanong mo?ano malay natin,,maybe you'll be surprised with your answer. wag ka lang mag-assume. n_n

ano pa ba?aun.. just don't feel bad about yourself.. hindi masmaang sagutin ang TANONG MO since it's valentine's.. n_n

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