4/05/2006
Appreciating inspiration: the term in review

"Mahirap pero kakayanin, right?"

Anyone could just imagine how much I felt against the deblocking last term. I mean, you know - just when I got used to being with you guys, and I'm inching closer to being comfortable, we'll have to split up. Reading my previous entries, as well as your tags (which luckily still exist), it seemed that everybody was fearing having to split up. Or, it could be me blowing the whole thing up, but it sure didn't feel that way - heck, we shared the same sentiments!

Back then, I thought meeting up with blockmates during U-Break - texting Lau for locations, having lunch, exchanging laughs, catching up, not relating - it seemed genius back then. Nobody knew it would fall into place and become some symbol of how destiny enabled us to ease into the harsher world that is college.

Just when it seemed the last thank-yous were said, we're given more reasons to give more.

However, I have to admit writing down thank-yous isn't much of my thing. I guess I'm having a hard time trying to recollect all the reasons for thanking people, despite trying my best not to look ungrateful - but I guess I've already proved that. But all thank-yous imaginable have been exchanged between November and December, and then we were off, bracing ourselves for what could be. No one could keep their mouths shut. No one could prepare eagerly for being alone in class. As for me, an introvert caught in extrovert company - gah, imagine that! - you could just imagine what could happen.

No more of the hugs, or the punches from Jino, or the sightings of Kizia, or the outbursts in disguise, or anything else.

But man, I was proven wrong.

I've met a lot of people, undeniably. I guess all that I was writing about was just initial jitters with new people, after being used to seeing the same forty-something people for around six months. It's not surprising now that more people stand out among the crowd, that you find yourself waving to multitudes more people. Admittedly, in the latter end of the term, I found myself giving hugs, or getting punches, or seeing sightings, or giving outbursts in much better disguise. I guess all it took was a lot more perseverance, that time thingy, and that line "magpakatotoo ka" - overused, yes - and then, wham, bam, you've got new friends.

Not that I'm providing a manual of some sort, for I guess you really couldn't make any of those with issues such as this. I'm surprised it came naturally, but I'm not surprised my outsider-looking-in status somehow helped. What used to be questions regarding class became questions regarding anything else.

Simply said, perspectives have changed. Wow, I didn't know I was capable of that.

Aside from CWTS class which proved to be an important bonding moment for most of the block outside regular classes, I couldn't have imagined that this would be marked by increased comfort (and, ironically in some parts, discomfort), jokes, conversations - and, amazingly, after all of this I never came to the point where I would think oh no, they hate me so much again and again. Yes, there are still times when I find myself not relating to everybody else, but there's always a silver lining.

Admittedly, if not for the deblocking I wouldn't have gotten much more distracted with other stuff in relation to my studies. It seemed that before, I was working on mine as well as everybody else's, and then, worry that I don't have anyone to fall into - which turns out to be a positive thing. Or, it could be me relearning my loner tendencies, but it's still a much appreciated thing, after all.

Anyway, I could still remember when I was walking around the corridors of the Miguel building on the first days of the third term, trying to find some familiar faces - I actually ended sitting down on one of the benches, staring endlessly at space. The mood was, well, really sad. Heck, I was turning uncomfortable again. Not to mention that I cross-enrolled a class, which means I would really be a stranger to everybody else. After seeing a couple of faces here and there - Jackie, Toni, Kevin, Caresse, I couldn't remember - I was dropping, for they're together and me, me, I'm particularly alone. If not, probably, for Lei being my classmate in (equally fun) Literature 1 class, and then me looking forward to meet blockmates at the amphitheater, and then finding out I've got some blockmates for classmates. That was long, but initially that was confusing. I'm even crying, metaphorically.

Then there was Joy, and then there was the surprising (I'd like to call it an end to the overreaction) cooling down with Ale, and Jason, and Les, Steph, Denise, (still irritating) Jom...

...people, people, people. Scan panics. Seeing almost everybody you know on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, which just increases in intensity as the weeks pass by. Finally, there was a recognition of the many things to be done. Jeepney strikes. Attendance worries. Equipment worries, especially now that we're going to take our majors in two terms.

And, of course, online conversations, a still-large number of tags, the usual questions, the blog entries, the am-I-in-love? question.

I guess we've all kept in touch - and became much closer. Have we found in each other a reason?

Definitely.

We're done with our first year in college - or maybe there's still course card distribution day, and examinations for the others - but still, we're really finished. I leave my frosh year with amazement that things have indeed changed in a way that never fails to be soap drama material. I was "depressed", uncomfortable, hyperactive - obviously I don't know what to write, now - and then this.

As of this very moment, I'm happy things have turned out the way they are. I'm confident I'll bounce back to the dean's list. I have eighty-two messages in my mobile's inbox. I'm close friends with Ale (not surprisingly). I feel like I'm an adopted but unofficial BonoSoc member (thanks for the cake on my birthday!). I have talked a lot, on a lot, to a lot. (I can just imagine Clarence, Caresse and Ariane here.) I feel like a movie maker now. And, I've admitted it to myself - I was in love.

So there it went. Bracing for the reactions. It was obvious, though.

I looked at my EAF and it said second year, and then we realize it's another huge step we're taking. And as for Ale's words at the very start of this entry, I did it quite well. So, as she said it, "cheer up" - we'll get through.

Gah, what would this post just do next?

And your responses...

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