4/30/2006
The butterfly metaphor

This might sound crazy, but butterflies will never be fed to anybody, despite its similarities with the vanilla pod when you take off the wings. Well, that sounds already too harsh-horror-sadist whatever to me already, but haven't you thought that butterflies, when swallowed, get to fly around the stomach and dodge every attempt to douse it with gastric acid - until, well, the stomach gets full of it to the point that the butterfly either gets stuck in the esophagus or gets digested?

Clarence boinked the term "feeling butterflies" one morning, in the middle of yet another conversation about layouts, emotions and a million hugs exchanged. That's been pretty much my consolation after weeks of needlessly simple contemplation, because I don't actually need it. But suffice it to say that - yes, again - I've fallen into bits of depression in the middle of a thousand songs and not-quite-effective rotation.

I'll be very honest about it. I thought everything was over the moment I texted Kizia that fateful Monday night, got blank stares from invisible eyes and ended up doing the normal escaping. Fine, then. I even said it was almost over, right? I'll be even more hoenst about it. The next weeks were pretty quiet. Nothing's been bothering me - I'm even getting bored - and that's been pretty much it. Fine, she crops up whenever me and Clarence talk - it's quite inevitable - and then, that's it. Back to talking about her issues, and me acting as some sort of love doctor again.

But yesterday morning, my attempts to poke fun at my apparent stupidity - "they all say I have a crush on you..." - "that's crazy!" - somehow backfired. And then, it's my turn to feel the butterflies try to escape.

To sum it up in a few words: "either I remain absolutely passive or I try my best to be kahit small presence lang..."

And I don't know why I'm even thinking of this. Was it our conversation the night before, where stuff really came up, the innocent remark turning into subliminal Freudian slips that I personally know wouldn't be intended by this already bored organism?

So, I couldn't sleep last night. Well, it was already the usual habit of mine, trying hard to sleep while disregarding the fact that I slept three hours the afternoon before. Which means, I find myself talking to space again, me alone in my room, this time literally lying awake, trying to sleep, waking up because someone came in, pretending to sleep. And deep in thought.

And then I wake up today and it's like nothing happened. Maybe it's all a passing fad, I guess. However I continue to question myself whether I should be actually doing something about stuff, or just decide to sit around?

Okay. I admit it. I've been watching too much Pinoy Big Brother the past week, which means I'm getting overly affected again by the stereotypes and the quick-to-crop love story. That line sounds really familiar to me. "Guys, ayoko nitong nararamdaman ko." I guess that echoed throughout my head and, disguised as apparent interest despite previous statements that I wouldn't watch the show, I watched what would happen.

So he told her. He got rejected somehow, but it's been okay, I guess.

"Minsan di ba parang you have the chance to do something but all you did was stare at her from afar."

And then those butterflies try to escape again.

I haven't texted Kim yet about her debut, despite me actually attending it seems I keep on forgetting (or procrastinating, whatever) about it. And, I still haven't bothered about thinking of what to wear, and admittedly the invitation's got me confused. I'm not in the entourage and yet I'm worrying. (Yeah, try to make good impressions, and then I freeze up the moment I get into the venue. I wonder why I should be coming anyway.) So maybe I'll ask much later, when I actually feel like it. Who knows? Good stuff is supposed to happen, right?

Don't you worry. I guess it's another one of those misinterpreted I-miss-her segments, to the point that I'm sounding desparate. And I wish I could laugh it all off soon, for all I am is an insignificant bleep in the system who's not supposed to feel all of these things.

Oh well. Since no one's online and I don't catch everybody else - Katia, Kim, Ale, even you for heaven's sake - wait, isn't DLSU intending to either file a case, take it all in, or quit the UAAP entirely? - I guess I should go. I'm supposed to enjoy my summer vacation. It's all summer pangs, I guess.

Oh well. Maybe I wasn't even in love after all. Or, maybe it's...

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