5/19/2006
Is half-expecting reciprocity selfishness?

It sucks, you know, knowing that you've got four entries to upload but realize you're not really that prepared for it. I texted Ale yesterday after enrolling to prepare for the BonoSoc article I promised her and Nico. I haven't transferred the pictures from Kim's debut to the Internet yet because I'm working against time and connections. I haven't done my thinking for the entry regarding my phone call to Mo Twister a few days back. (Seriously, I did, and if you were paying attention I was put on air. By now I might've uploaded the sound clip of the phone call.)

Right now, though, I'm still cuddling Clarence's new layout as if I had to experience labor, the way pregnant women do, for it. I received a text message from her last night, and obviously she was still very excited for the fact that people are liking it - and I am as well. Obviously, of course.

But things aren't quickly falling into place, and last night I was at my most resentful. Either I'm getting anxious over experiencing everything again in school, or I'm just getting terribly impatient with things. Suddenly I don't know where I would actually place myself, if I should place myself anywhere at all.

I feel like reposting this entry from Clarence's Friendster blog, which has since involuntarily disappeared. I fished this out from nowhere, and up to now the words she wrote still bounces inside my head.

I accidentally opened my blog thinking someone in his/her right mind would leave a comment on my last post. The least person I expected to say something really deep, posted something on my previous entry. Distorted views, yes, they may seem that way, but we are both doubting our capacity to love.

Niko, it was never wrong for someone not to fall in love during his life in high school, or even his teenage years. It was never considered as an "abnormal" thing in having no one to cuddle when the wind blows too hard. It was never wrong to love secretly...

It was never wrong...

But what could be the most possible outcome of loving someone secretly?


Creating a big ball of fear of letting it out in the open. You will have to carry it every time, every where - while crossing the streets, along SJ walk, inside room 308 of Miguel. you have to carry it around La Salle.

Why suffer when you can just let it out in the open?

Because fear lets itself to be known, eating out my consciousness.

I go crazy thinking of the possibilities and chances of us meeting together again, sharing thoughts, letting out anguish, sighing breaths of relief, laughing at each other's little mistakes...


I still love this entry. After all, it mentioned my name.

I think I told Mo Twister on that phone call last Tuesday, that I actually hate mushy stuff, to paraphrase myself, although I know these things are actually my weaknesses. (Wasn't that redundant?) But I'm finding myself amazed at how, as evidently seen in probably everything I've done, I weave unrelated stuff into a tapestry of something else totally unrelated, totally taboo - but still weirdly enjoyed.

But we couldn't force anything, I guess. The control freak has lost again.

If only I could try to make something out of this again, though, I would have preferred to say that - as I told Katia last night - no one's "coming in anymore [sorting] everything out like before." If it's simply coincidence, then my being overly affected is still a wonder. Suddenly I feel every trace of guilt seep through.

Then again, my photographic memories are working again. That phrase - it was said a long time ago, again for a totally unrelated story - it applies.

"It's not like you're gonna ask her to marry you, right?"

And your responses...

Post a Comment