6/22/2006
Blue sky waiting tomorrow

Three people had details. I had a rush going through.

Ale was texting me yesterday as I rode the bus home. It was a determination of some sort - not only did I have partly everything figured out, but I had a test as to how I would react. I think I told Clarence yesterday, that it was somehow destined to be. She later proceeded to tell me that what I'm going through right now isn't supposed to be. It isn't right.

I actually expected her to go against what I'm thinking. I myself was confused. I was in the bus and I seemed to have forgotten about it, but not after Ale took the liberty of showing her concern and texted me. By then I had fought the urge to sleep and was answering her. I was a bit happy, though - at least now, as she said, "di ko na masasabing inexperienced [ako]".

I told Clarence that I was okay with the entire idea. It was just the way, I thought, it had to be sent out. I know Ariane mentioned this to me a week back, and I shrugged it all. I was getting a few details, even if I didn't have to, even if I didn't ask for it, and I shrugged it all.

Last night, however, as everybody got killed by a YM glitch, I began thinking. It was idle time again - I could have been chatting with Katia, already affected by a piercing migraine, but she couldn't get in either - and I somehow chanced upon me being actually jealous. Then I shrugged it all over again, and proceeded to text Clarence.

Ale had the right words when she texted me, with her brother's mobile since her's was somehow locked, yesterday - "it's hard to pretend everything's alright."

I bought it, and now I'm utterly convinced.

Well, I told Clarence last night I was okay with everything, and it was all about the way I had to confirm it. To be honest, I had those feelers earlier but I didn't care. Maybe it was me being alone at the Get ORGanized booth, doing nothing and everything in between. I've said too many times that idleness is my greatest enemy - my energy chanels somewhere else, and somewhere I don't want it to be. As much as I couldn't mind, I somehow had to. It's quite rare for me to stand by what I've been denying for long - I did, actually.

I was going through my inbox last night, trying to delete messages that have held zero significance throughout the weeks that passed. I saw one that Katia sent me a couple of weeks ago - she's always sent quotes that somehow stab, or it could be me taking everything to heart - but this one didn't quite make the cut, until last night.

"Often, you choose to pretend you're happy so you don't have to explain yourself to people who'll never understand. Smiling has always been easier than explaining why you're sad..."

Today, though, I've been happier. In fact, I guess I've forgotten about yesterday. Katia did send me a text message - "avoid being bitter today" - but it seems I've done enough of my release last night. I've been to classes. I've taken a couple of tests. I've forgotten a couple of things somewhere. I've been at the booth again, contemplating in between Nadia's new haircut and Anna's tendency to lose things. I've been hugging people, even, and day by day I'm learning new things in unexpected ways. I'm actually wondering whether I should write this thing, now that everything seems to be okay - at least for now. So far, I'm content with my "I'm surprised" excuse, and nothing could take over it just yet - unless, of course, if destiny decides that I stay behind for a few, meet some for a few, see things for a few, interpret things differently...

I'm sure things will eventually get better.

I'd love to be happy for her, but I don't know if I could. I don't know how it feels to be happy, much more for someone else.

And your responses...

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