6/20/2006
Delays

Right now Sars is having something printed, and we don't match outfits again. In fact, we're in utter conflict. She's in orange, and I'm in yellow.

She hasn't noticed me, yet. I guess she wouldn't by now. If Ale is to be followed, I'm starting to run out of actual things to say, but she doesn't want to think it's writer's fatigue. She doesn't seem to believe that it's what I think is happening to me. Earlier though I got myself some boost, that for some particular reason I wasn't leaving everything behind. And as I resist every attempt to make my presence felt - this moment, at least, because Sars seems to be busy and I'm growing nosier by the minute...

...I ruined her brochure. Or, it could be my obsessive-compulsive tendencies wanting to make sure the printout is folded the right way. Gosh, I didn't really have to grab her hand and make her notice our costume conflict.

I remember mentioning costume conflicts somewhere, or at least me thinking of it somewhere. There were times when I happily decided to intentionally change my image, at least the superficial one, just to make me happy for a bit, and then later it doesn't make any difference. I stare into space, thinking of nothing at all, or everything in between. Right now, though, it's been steady. Weirdly steady.

It felt awkward when I travelled to school today, me wearing business attires and all for my English 3 lecture. Airra complimented me because I apparently made more eye contact than she did in hers, but I thought I spoke too fast at some points. I was reading through my notes earlier, seated with Kizia and Jana in front of M315, their class dismissed early. Of course I was just reading, plus Jana's queries on The Sky Over Dimas and the occasional mention of that title for Kizia's blog that somehow sparked in my head. She left for Laguna today, back home to get signatures. She's shifting to a LIA-COM degree like Jana just did.

That much I learned? Riiight.

I've apparently begun sounding bitter. I've mentioned that before, and it helps to reiterate. I think I understand why everyone I've been talking to the past weeks don't immediately believe, or at least partly question, my pretty lightning fast I'm-already-over-Kizia statement. Sometimes I even surprise myself, especially when it came to the point that I could say just that. Surprises came when I wasn't looking for anybody in particular during the first weeks of school. Surprises came when the conversations began. Maybe I was disillusioned when everything went to a halt, but suddenly, well...

...why should I try hard explaining?

So maybe the fact that for once, I partly guessed everything that's been happening correctly, made wonders - Katia was asking me one time if I was extraordinarily affected in any way, but quite simply, it's been pretty quiet. No sense of concern, not even a silent sense of acceptance - apathy, maybe? I haven't given up, but instead I've done something I couldn't even describe. New inspirations? No - I'm probably gladly denying it, if I'm correct. Before Jino left on an LOA he dropped a few questions and I redefined my definitions. So far, if I could say it, I'm happily bruised to the point of dysfunction. Not that I'm not willing, but I've decided somehow otherwise.

I don't know. I'm writing this and I'm as confused as Ale was in her emails.

So maybe I didn't succeed in reiterating enough, that up to now people still get me misunderstood about what I actually feel towards her. Of course, it's only been during this week when I've been putting Kizia's name together with the word love. I personally found it awkward - I couldn't act like Huey does, but he isn't mentioning names - I'm partly surprised, somehow unused, totally indifferent. My camera's batteries died down today, failing to grab another opportunity, even if I dutifully tried.

This time, I actually tried.

Somebody else had the indefinite answer. She promised one two terms ago. Today it seems somebody else is trying to win her heart, one thing I never considered for complicated reasons. She seems happy - she's given up dinner for home this time, for future pastures, and I'm writing these lines with the usual jitters I've since been used to having. Or maybe I'm hungry, but I probably wouldn't bother explaining. Personally I'm tired of trying to explain for myself, and for everybody else, what I actually feel towards everybody. I've almost put myself into another one of those cases recently, and now I'm quelling attempts again - but of course, I have to.

I dropped the promise. She answered back. "Things change."

For once, Kizia's words struck me deep. That's just what I wanted to happen, probably. Never again since the first days of the term.

Why did I get over Kizia seemingly faster than expected?

Of course. Things just change.

And your responses...

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