7/30/2006
Five o'clock skies at two o'clock

This happens rarely. Give me a chance.

As I slept another typhoon found itself stranded in our little country, bringing yet more rain to an already saturated region, and an already depressed heart. My usual excuse states that idleness causes me to think, and thus make things much worse, especially if I'm in the middle of some upheaval, and today's been no exception. The rain isn't that hard, and there doesn't seem to be a possibility of another wave of class suspensions, but it's sufficiently dark to keep me gloomy in the coming days.

Don't get me wrong - I've been sufficiently happy since classes resumed last Wednesday. I think school work, as much as I want to hate them, has become some sort of stress release. It's something that keeps my mind off things - me off worrying too much about things that either wouldn't come or would amount to something really insignificant. And, no, don't get me wrong - I'm half-certain that it's a diferent case this time. Or maybe I'm really unsure.

I know the past four days have meant some sort of change, and to my surprise I've taken it a little more comfortably than my past encounters with it. However I've never been this confused. And yes, I'm going to talk about one of my tired, fatigued, but still favorite themes - about how perceptions affect me.

People have told me, time and again, that I should try my best to be myself, to not be too conscious about what others think of me - and I've stumbled a few times already, but nevertheless people have still accepted me and even welcomed me into their respective folds. It feels weird but today, I'm looking out for what people think again. Somehow freedom makes me too cozy with others, and I myself am thinking whether I should've done some of my recent decisions - small, remaining unknown until the fuse blows off - with much more consideration. By nature I'm impulsive, and with that people could get annoyed.

Sometimes I can't help but feel a lot are becoming annoyed that my words always mean otherwise - that despite my attempts I still tend to talk about the same things.

I'm tired of it. Honestly. Seriously. I know (or at least I think) it's going to get me nowhere, but sometimes I think whether all of this - it isn't worth it already. It's becoming unhealthy, and it's becoming the opposite of what it's all supposed to be, of what it's supposed to do. Right now I'm having headaches over how senseless my thoughts are going - it's not making sense.

Right now I'm trying to steer some vehicle that obviously prefers to follow what's ahead of him.

I've already accepted the facts and have, in fact, gone around it. Some people might be aware that things aren't what they used to be, and I have somehow moved on, surprisingly faster than the rest. And yet destiny becomes this rude brat, throwing things at me in the most unexpected places. I can't just get through it.

People say it's never too late to learn something from a mistake. It's true in my case - it's this hard to say you're done with it, because the moment you know something else has got your attention, the more your thoughts of the past batter you.

And yet, nobody cares. Do you?

And your responses...

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