7/31/2006
Whatever makes you happy

On a gloomy note, I still feel unappreciated. Don't get me wrong - today was a bit hyperactive, thanks to some world domination thing Jason was cooking up around his video - and, fortunately, he's one step ahead because almost everybody who went out of M308 after the video was released was going "aral, aral, aral" afterwards. I did his CD cover this time - actually a collaborative effort between my software, Jason's criticism and Huey's photo idea during the garage sale - and those who saw it, at least those near my side, were amazed.

Jason just dropped this line through YM. "Nga pala," he said. "You are part of this world domination thing."

So my train of thought has been jumping around the phrase unappreciation recently. I don't know - despite the people getting (still) surprised at what I do, and people gushing over me, there are still patches of that nobody-seems-to-really-care attitude. Or it could be me - as Meg just dropped, I've been worrying too much - but then again, it seems my entire life I've felt like people were there for what I do, and now for what I am. So maybe that sums up the unappreciated thing. And, although laughter is the remark I usually give out from remarks like Jason's, it sometimes just doesn't make it.

Oh gosh. Before it was that clincher kid I was trying to capture, and now it's skipped back to Nadia's face?

Anyway - that was me trying to capture a few frames from the video, to no avail - I again remember that conversation with Caresse last term, when we decided to sit at the stairs near the Sports Complex and just talk about things. She popped that I'm-still-looking-for-a-friend thing, and I vehemently agreed with her, because it's actually true - yes, I do have friends, and a lot of them at that, but up to now I'm still looking for that someone who'd be willing to share drama with me, and not just in passing terms. The catch is - and don't think I'm complaining, for I (ironically) appreciate everything - people tend to notice and say "you can tell me anything" but don't always have the time to do so. It seems whenever you need them the most, you're left alone. Oh, and I couldn't complain further if you'd flip the tables and say it's me being selfish, being my old attention-hungry me. I guess that's it from the start.

During this term, I've noticed that I'm trying my hardest to find that someone. I know, somewhere in this world, there's always this someone who's bound to be stuck with you - the problem is, it could be any one of the six billion people around the world, and probably only one has met that someone. (And that guy could be wrong.) If you've been following closely I end up thinking that I found some equivalent - everyone's case is hopeless anyway, so you better find the closest equivalent, so that you could maximize satisfaction, in economic terms - and then I find myself being disillusioned. Or maybe it takes a long time for someone to be close to someone, and I'm always the impatient guy.

And now this video skips from that reputation-ruining Jaja shot to that of Tyne's face?

Not that I'm saying I'm lonely again - sorry, that video capture isn't working wonders - but sometimes I just feel like I am. I'll be honest - a couple of friends together, and me sticking out like a sore thumb, isn't working a lot. It takes long for me to relate - and thankfully I do - but I still haven't seen that person with whom I can share all the things I've been wanting to let go of. I haven't had fun in a long time. I haven't had anybody to stick with. It seems everybody's too busy to stick with me, even if I'm desparate enough to stick with anyone within my comforts.

So there's this huge gap that wants to be filled - some gap I don't ever understand, about why it formed in the first place - and sometimes seeing things aggravate it further. I know - you've possibly felt seeing people you've somehow wanted to stick with, and yet they're talking to somebody else. It's like some selective thing I couldn't even explain. Then again I'm the person who quickly - dangerously - grows some attachment over someone, and never wants to let go to the point of obsession. I guess that's where I could situate myself now - and it isn't correct to be in that position, because a few pitter patters more and I could be stabbing someone with a pair of scissors. (But of course I couldn't do that - but who knows?)

Caresse had bound me back then with the idea that, all along - from the day I stepped in college, to the day I felt nothing was going my way, to the day when I realized I wasn't the same anymore - I've been looking for a companion, somebody to stick with and never get bored of. I guess I could push it further and think that, especially now with a lot of gaps due to wrong decisions and missed opportunities, I'm looking for someone to really stick with again.

I guess you've noticed it. Just check the entries - someone one time, somebody else the next, probably somebody else soon. I don't really know - I'll leave it to you guys.

I don't really want to flutter anymore. Although change is a constant in my environment now, it's better if I experience it with somebody else, right?

I remember that song - whoever made that I won't try to care - whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you beautiful, whatever makes you satisfied - it's gotten there, I guess. I think I lingered around too long recently without realizing what I'm seeing is hurting me again. And, all along I thought I'd be ready to be alone again.

Apparently all I wanted to have - for now, at least - is someone to stick with me.

And your responses...

No one ever has to go through it all alone.. that I'm sure of. You think you're alone because you choose to be. Doesn't hafta be that way. :) Cheer up!

Blogger dee8/01/2006     

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