8/23/2006
It's never been like that: the term in review

Sentimental happiness, as I described it to Issa early this morning.

And, quite personally, I don't really understand what was up with me yesterday. Despite the two final exam I had to take, I even spent the time to get into an empty classroom and feel the urge to shout it all out. For once, I was feeling a sense of happiness I never felt before; it wasn't like what I felt when, for example, I finally gave Kizia that birthday gift of mine, or when I was given another chance to get into the major subjects. I wasn't just being relieved.

As I said, I was sentimentally happy.

I would always put it as such: the term has been a whilrwind, like it's always been. I would usually go on and talk about all the (not quite) new people I've met, all the new lessons I've realized, all the new things I've experienced, but somehow doing that doesn't justify what I'm feeling right now. I couldn't explain it quite well, actually, especially when you consider the constant fact that, throughout this term, I was trying my best to portray myself as a really happy person, when deep inside I'm actually not.

But of course, who would want to just face the truth and accept it at face value? I started the term and I wasn't quite jittery, except obviously for the prospect of seeing Kizia again - that thing seriously disturbed me during summer vacation, and Clarence should agree - and when that fateful afternoon finally settled in I realized I had to move on. Until now, I'll admit, I'm quite apprehensive when faced with telling the world I have moved on - I've said it far too many times and I find myself pulling back the announcement because something would always happen - but this time, it isn't just that, although obviously me suddenly being comfortable again with her, the way I was with Ale during the Filipino 1 classes last term, did a big thing.

Still, it isn't the cuddles either, and despite me suddenly getting a notorious reputation (as some have already put it) of being too touchy for comfort - indeed, some thought I was Meg's boyfriend when we actually treat each other as if we're siblings - it doesn't always fill it. True, my hugs don't always get reciprocated, unlike what I seem to always give to either Sars or Meg whenever we meet at Miguel, or the ones I send through YM or text. I could put it as an extremely superficial way of being happy. As Mirielle explained it, it's somehow because I've been single since birth - yet I suddenly don't care with being with someone the way I honestly wanted to be with Kizia last year. What now, have I moved on? I mean, beyond my immature tendencies, beyond my childish ambitions and into what everybody fondly calls reality?

One thing I slowly realized during the last three months was that all my pretensions, or at least most of them, have started to collapse. I've been silently battling my stereotypes, but I've been placing them on every other person who walks at Miguel's third floor. This term I feel it was when I actually went out and reached out, although I'd still be always happy and stay naïve whenever I can. Admittedly yesterday, in that empty classroom cramming for another test, I was overwhelmed to the point that I couldn't shout it out. Months ago only a few stood out. Now everybody does. I'm growing more aware. I'm suddenly going nowhere with all the consciousness. And it isn't just the chocolate that pushes it through.

Sometimes, I guess, all we really need is to find the fun in everything serious, and the serious in everything fun.

So maybe that explains the hugs, the dedication, the many sugar rushes, the energy wasted on unnecessary heartbeats whenever I realize I'm not doing something for the heck of it...

Mon told me once that I "deserve, deserve to be happy", and somehow I felt at ease. Finally, I thought, people understood my melodramatic plight! Then again, despite some being obviously irritated at me, I'm still the same old rambunctious me - that one people actually wanted if they subscribed to the "be yourself" idea, but nevertheless reject. But somehow, right now, it just feels like it - happiness I couldn't explain. I couldn't find the root of it. Then again, I guess I shouldn't bother finding the reason and just start to jump around like crazy.

I remember telling Clarence a few nights ago, that it feels good being finally comfortable with what I feel. I know, I'm the type of guy who always battles and denies everything to stick with what I believe in. Somehow, it was a mix of happy-go-lucky influences and a deeper view into things. I told you I don't understand it - nonsense is coming out of my fingertips and I don't get it still.

So there. I'm happy, happy, happy, and although this could be a fleeting happiness - something could, or would, happen within the three weeks I'm on a break - it's one I'd gladly oblige. Somehow, it was an overdue happiness, and people around me keep on saying I, for once, deserve to be happy after all that I've done. I won't portray myself as an unappreciated hero now. There just isn't any time for it. We've still got work to do, much more in the coming months. It isn't going to be any easier.

Upon further thinking, everything becomes simple. I think I finally won my single struggle this term, especially with me finally falling victim to all the things everybody's been doing. If it's me almost scrubbing off my rebel tendencies - then, I guess it's not exactly what's happening. It's never been like that. It's just different - or, it's the same old feeling, only sorely missed.

Inspiration has come back, and dear, we're closer to the truth now.

And your responses...

You do deserve to be happy.:D

Blogger Mon8/23/2006     

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