9/26/2006
Advertising executive sensibilities

"A conversation with a female friend might be important today," my horoscope said. "Give this person your undivided attention. Perhaps someone needs to share his or her pain or joy to you."

Then again, despite our many attempts, I didn't meet Ranice, and we didn't get to have pictures together. Somehow we decided yesterday to meet today and take advantage of my five-hour break, and she even promised to bring her camera so that we could make a decent replacement of our admittedly aesthetically unpleasing photo. I just read my horoscope from the newspaper now, and that's what it probably could've meant.

If I met her, though, it would've meant one more exciting chapter in the novel that is my life. In other words, today wasn't just boring; it was me, me, and me alone. I think everything boiled down to necessary contact - nothing spectacular, and even the five-hour break didn't help. It could've made things worse, even.

Well, yes, I met up with a few people. Jaja was there to give the tickets I have to sell, as we were pretty much held up by consultations and an aircon unit afflicted with bipolar syndrome. (The one at M208, if you can imagine, doesn't display the temperature it's operating on, and can change its personality from a freezer to an oven. You get the idea.) Ale was there, but she was gone quicker than I could suppose, and she didn't even show up for Literature 2 class. Kizia was there, make-up and all - like we would really talk, but she was busy for that Breakfast shoot, and she wasn't there in class as well.

Loneliness - not really. It's just really awkward for me to actually spend that killer of a break alone, especially when you think that I've spent portions of it with someone, usually Jaja for lunch. For the second time in a row I was forced to eat alone, although it's a reality I should have lived with a long time ago. In fact, Jino had this little tidbit before he left the campus: we'll all have to get used to be alone.

For one, I'm already working on my research proposal alone. For some reason, though, I think I'm making good progress - possibly because I have my destiny to myself and I don't have to contend with anybody else's ideas or contradictions. When I ended up working with Timothy for that seatwork in Literature 2 class - yes, him, that annoying guy - I somehow felt crunched because we had a time limit and he had some of the ideas going. Maybe he was dictating what I should write, in a bid to finish things quickly (and possibly impress our teacher), but I somehow wrote it the way I would blog, and finished with three ticks remaining.

Then again, I'm not becoming happy with spending the first part of my break alone. Of course, I'm the clingy guy, which simply makes a contradiction out of me apparently not wanting anybody to cling on me - and I still don't have the sense of security everybody else seems to have. And still, I always don't make sense except when people pay any attention. Earlier it was awkward when the conversation slowly, but surely, shifted to Kizia's boyfriend, and although it seems I was told before it all happened - or I might be hallucinating like that kid from Araby - it felt like the sun was out to get me again. But I tend to cooperate more. It just became more apparently nobody was noticing me.

Anyway - I shifted topics dangerously again - people have, again, started to come up and then leave. It could be mere coincidence like before, but then again this term started with me entering an illusion of having things going weirdly better than the usual. I know, we're being eaten alive and I'm growing crankier as silence gets the best of me. I guess that's what those philosophy classes wanted to drill in our heads - the inevitability of the fleeting concept, that thing's won't stay as they are, and even change itself changes the way it works out.

Sometimes, the way things become uncomfortable for you just change as well, and the next thing we know, we suddenly don't mind.

I think my horoscope today has started to unravel. Indeed as I type I'm chatting with Ranice about her future and her dreams, and I can feel how her point-click-shoot finger throbs at the thought of a The Devil Wears Prada-like scenario. I could've given her my undivided attention, though, but it's either she stopped hanging on, or I did. There's always this final destination, though - probably being alone won't hurt, after all. It'll just see what you can do.

Ranice is still intent on leaving, though, when she graduates. That makes one less person to hang on to.

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