10/05/2006
Six degrees of separation

Mark one for Mae and our surprising conversation on auras on the bus ride home. Actually, I was also with Tracy on that bus, so we made ourselves comfortable in a row, arranged by who gets out first, and I was becoming noisy again. Then again, I think I needed the conversation.

I met Mae earlier in the day - I was with Tracy as well, as it seems we would spend more time together during this term - and I funnily pointed out how small the world is. Mae was with Nadia, and I began pointing fingers at people - to the two of them, plus Kiara behind us when we started walking to our classrooms. Our conversations have always been more lost than coherent today, but I stuck with my degrees of separation and started playing with names myself.

Think about this. Tracy's classmate Jan, who's Mirielle's blockmate, who's also Abby's blockmate, who's Rachael's friend (and blockmate, I presume), who's Jackie's friend, who's my friend. Not to mention I know all of these people.

You don't know how surprising things get, really. Tracy knows Dia (a classmate of mine in Literature 2 class) and when they met last Tuesday, the latter simply mentioned that we were classmates, like we talked, but we didn't.

What's more surprising, though, is the fact that the people you're closer to structurally won't appear in your radar until it's too late, somehow. Most of the people at LC18, for example - they're taking up, halfway at least, Communication Arts and yet I knew some of them only two terms ago. When Sars' name came up one U-Break somewhere - Jaja was talking about the still-to-happen campaigns - I mistook her for the block's namesake, and got confused. When I told Tracy that, I can't even wind her up from the freshman election campaigns.

As I told Mae earlier, I remember most things but forget the mundane and the important, like my IQ.

My little motto recently has been shrink the world, simply because it's never been so true nowadays. I've observed this way back, but it's never been more evident before. Mark another one for my participant observation skills, which I've somehow honed without having to take research class. Either it's just overwhelming me, or I've been in DLSU long enough to know at least one percent of the twelve thousand or so students that study here. Again, the problem with knowing more people is that you'd start expecting things from them, and obviously you'd get dismayed when nothing happens.

I've been walking around for five hours a day, for twice a week, and still nothing of a breakthrough happens. At least I've prevented myself from sinking further for those long break due to a lack of companionship, but still I end up wishing things would end up going better than they are now. Confusing, I know, but I think you'll understand, right?

The problem with me is, with my tendencies to observe and really observe, I see things differently; sometimes they end up haunting me on the bus ride home, and sometimes it continues through the night, and into the following morning. Sometimes it isn't really good to take things seriously, I think, for it just gets deeper and deeper until you can't get out - like researchers staying, or governments holding on to power, or people not letting go.

Mirielle told me sometime - another observation, which is very apt for a Behavioral Sciences major like her - that I've always had the inclination for human contact. I don't know - something with warmth that keeps me up, probably something reassuring, something comforting - but I'd presume that's the reason why I'm walking my five-hour breaks alone and looking for someone to talk to. For a few fleeting examples I get it, but I think I've always been destined to be shut out of everything. Or be doubted, depending on the case.

A gentle shower starts outside, and the cold wind blows into the window again. I'm freezing like early this morning, when I tried to make sense of slide shows and copying notes. I didn't bring a jacket; it wouldn't keep me warm, though, if I did.

The most hurtful thing, though, is that you can't always ask for anything - anyone - someone to keep you warm. I walked away today, thinking it's just what I thought.

I'll admit. I miss the cuddles. They've become more routinary than well-meant, if any.

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