11/30/2006
The pretty ones you'll never know

And you'll end up walking on some pathway, and you see someone entirely familiar. Yes, yes, a familiar face, all right, and one you've been staring at for seconds before she leaves and she's gone, physically and ethereally, and then you're back to your old self.

I've been doing a lot of walking recently. I've been in DLSU for two years now, and by then my memory would have accumulated a lot of familiar faces - familiar just by that, or by name, or by the fact that you're willing to deny the hurt that face somehow causes. I think it somehow sucks to realize that, first, your world has shrunk incredibly after so many weeks, and second, it's when you realize how disconnected you've been. Oh, but I love conversations, and sadly I've been getting it from one person, and suddenly intermittently at that, and I can't help but think that, again, destiny has passed over me and gave something I've always wanted to somebody else.

I thought at one point. Us guys, we always tend to look at someone we think of as attractive when she's there, and then forget about it. But, there's always this point when that one glance develops us and strangles us without any effort. Is it destiny working? And why are we always let down? But it's not everybody, though - there's always bound to be that someone, usually one who already has everything, to get something else he obviously has too much off. One can be imperfect, but one is always too perfect, and that one is always praised and everything else.

I'm surprised at one point. Do I really need the charm? I don't have that. I've already lost that to my blockmates who are either handsome, witty, or has the ability to put everybody else down at his benefit. They have already received the better end of the deal, and for some of us, we're left with nothing at all. Ironically, they're always the ones who try to lift you up and make you feel good - for a fleeting moment. They're busy charming people next.

Am I not good enough for anybody?

It could be the pressure, but sometimes I wonder why, after two years, I still cannot relate with anyone. At worst, in some instances, they just make fun of me. The middle ground would be me finding myself at a very awkward position - just, well, tagging along. But I'm used to doing things alone again, but it's all synthetic. I just said it. I love conversation. I love cuddles, and I love affirmation. And I'm not getting it.

I told Tracy a weird point that occured to my head at one point. I'm not alone, I told her. How many could we be? How many have been taken by the charm, and yet already feel as hopeless as nothing? I'm not waiting, really, but I somehow felt that some are waiting for nothing, and I get depressed as everything has turned to powder. Then I forget about it again.

I'd usually sight one of those intermittent faces, and I'd realize that somebody I know knows that face, and closer than I want it to be. I think an impression is made when you realize that, for another time, someone has one-upped you. I think I've been one-upped far too many times, and I can't help but want things for myself as well. It's two years, and I don't want to share with anyone, and if I get it I don't want anyone to make fun of me.

Because they always think they're better, I'd want to take them down, for once.

Which makes my reasons very wrong. You see the mentions, and you overhear the conversations, and you realize that another one has entered the stage and a big fuss has come out of it. It happened to me, and I thought that I was passed over again - but, hey, it was playful the first time, and serious the next, and playful were the perceptions. It's too sad for me to think that she isn't aware that it hasn't sort of come full circle, but it's almost there. And then I walk out and think that it's all but an intermittent face.

It all started with an introduction, above all.

I won't make an apology for being selfish. It all seemed too good to be true, and now it seems it's nothing but a painful memory that sometimes becomes fish food that's quite easy to nibble, and a happy nibbling at that. I can't help but think I've drawn the shades again - but I'm selfish, right? I can blame it on anyone. I can blame it on destiny. I can say that I was passed over again, and now, I can't help but think that it's quite there, but not yet.

So I almost got it. I only wanted a conversation, and destiny wants me to want something else. And now I'm confused.

So the intermittent faces continue to pass by you, and me, being one of those male people that some perceive have nothing to do but drool - I just look, get attracted, ponder, and forget once the face is gone. But everything has an attached meaning now, and when people stick with people, and people rub off me like I am a vaccine, it just plain hurts.

They'll just remain to be the pretty ones you'll never know. Or, even worse, you really know them, but you really don't.

And your responses...

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