11/26/2006
Recognize today, misconstrue tomorrow

I've already started asking Issa to cover her name with asterisks.

Distractions are not always welcome. I've scratched my head into wanting to double-click another name on that window and talk, but all of a sudden people rush in until a door closed. Then again, I guess it's my nature to ask whenever someone claims sadness, and the moment I sort of told Issa about it I told her that it's just another attraction used to cover up the real thing. You know, drifting all too closer.

I was at the mall today. I think I bought myself three shirts, two pairs of jeans and a pair of shoes, and I think I paid almost a fourth of my tuition fee for a term. (Or, to be exact, my dad paid for that.) Somehow I decided to play You Get What You Give on my mobile, and images rush in my head, like it always been, like some sort of visualization. And it's her, again.

Well, I've encountered the similar situation, anyway. It's happened many times before, and it never meant anything, probably because I was too busy thinking of things - but now business also brings these flashes, and they now mean something.

But flashes are only fleeting, probably like hunger, or yearning. But loneliness, a misconstrued one, isn't.

There isn't anything wrong, though. I mean, flashes always happen, especially for one like me who's been visual since the day I was born, always ready with a fidget, or a color combination, or an arrangement. I've learned to live with it; somehow I've tolerated these flashes of the same person, in different perspectives, and it seems nothing much happens, probably except for the time when it means trauma. In fact I probably must enjoy this before I lose it - but when I lose it, or better said, when she goes, it gets worse, and I'll cry - and I just realized something.

Why am I writing this here in the first place?

Have I been that lonely for so long? I mean, look, people around you, stretched hands, strained veins, all to get you, even if they're busy and all that, they still bother to greet you. Probably something else, but still, still, still, it's something. It's my fault, not appreciating what's there, even if what you've wanted for so long before - and got tired of waiting for - is doing the harder stretching for you, but still, still, still, it's something - I've learned selectiveness today. Or maybe a long time ago.

Then again, I'm lonely - and if they're not the reason, it remains unresolved, you never get satisfied, you get disturbed until you sleep. Although twenty minutes still haven't been successful, it only makes the flashes more intense, and more at the wrong place. Why, then, is presence not a factor - nothing happens when it actually happens, but when nothing does, all you are given are reminders, and unsavory ones at that?

Then again you smile for a bit, the way those flashes do. Fleeting happiness, for a bit, and you enjoy it before it goes away rejected.

Maybe when my attractive distraction goes online again, I'll double-click, get recognized, and make a fool out of myself. Maybe I'll try to put a smile on her face, or maybe I'll still make a fool out of myself, but that's better than distraction caused by those flashes - so far I want to think they're nothing - but they're faster than fast, and nothing happens much when they do. Maybe she'll learn about my secret, and keep it like ten others do, as if two of them aren't the same as she is.

Or maybe I don't still get what everything means. I guess I should learn to stop stating the obvious, though.

And your responses...

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