11/23/2006
You mind too much even if they don't

For one, I realized that out of the hundred-something photos I took yesterday, Mara appeared in a handful - which is surprising, because for one she was one of those people who get golly-she's-Leslie's-friend reactions from me. Yet I counted and I think she has around, what, five photos?

But for a moment, while uploading the photos this morning, I realized that she reminds me of Chrystel. Oh, but not another throwback to the almost-forgotten past, eh?

Anyway, nothing much happened. Or I shall pretend that nothing did. If you were with me before Literature 2 class you'd be surprised I am silent for minutes, then noisy the next, then back to silence. I think Meg did pass back her depression to me; somehow I told her to give hers to me when I realized I was euphoric again yesterday afternoon. But why shouldn't I? The sky was clear, and despite me sweating a lot - think of a black shirt and walking around the campus with Les trying to print out an apparently virus-infected certificate - the winds eventually blew and almost gave me a reason to drop in the middle of the amphitheater and sleep.

In fact, I spent almost my entire day in school with Les, to the point of me actually cutting Filipino 3 class (because by then the virus has been discovered and Les was planning to freak Sars out by saying she's lost all her files). I had an early lunch, I met new people again, then after climbing up and down far too many times for comfort, I finally settled without eating much. I think Les was offering me spaghetti (actually disguised as pancit, apparently) and I wasn't taking it; maybe I was overwhemled by the number of people around me, as compared to the day before, when I was restricted, so to speak.

Today, though, I found myself spending another hour or so seated along the SJ Walk benches and listening to the radio, skipping stations as the minutes passed. I guess we're all just sleepy today - well, we were, since I, for one, was up until 02.30 finishing my interview report. Today, though, I spent my minutes waiting for M208 to open greeting people a good morning, asking about what time they have slept - Nadia, I think, slept two hours after I did, and probably others came to school sleepless. And Miss Averion was, in her words, defying doctor's orders.

Feeling three more weeks in the term, and all the projects deciding to stack themselves up, and all we have is something that's just amazing. People are growing thinner, actually, and it depends on how you look at it. People have grown paranoid: I think everyone from Caresse to Derek to Karla have said they'll fail in one point or another. People, on the other hand, have somehow begun to do this weird thing with sticking together: that is harder to explain.

As for me, well, it's surprising I don't feel most of their predicaments, although I'm tortured in my own little way. It's just now when I've begun worrying about my research output. It's just now when the fact that nobody's replying to our interview request has sunk in. It's just now when I realize that I am indeed getting sick, and I could go to the hospital and probably lose all privileges, including studying here itself. We couldn't just go back to whatever it is we came from, though. Apparently, it's just not right, for a change.

Like, two terms ago, the biggest worry was the elections, the worst standing was a 2.0, and the exaggerated story was me flirting with destiny. And then I hugged Maita out of hyperactivity and realized that it was an entirely forced thing, what I've kept on doing to at least maintain my fleeting happiness. Or you could call that euphoria.

A thought occurred to me before I left M208 today, while I waited with Kevin and Naomi to be dismissed, because people were coming in or staying, and Miss Averion was still there talking about conceptual frameworks. My interview yesterday was a realization long overdue: it is in my nature to love details, and fuss over it too much - maybe the reprints at Netopia for the portfolio is one point, or how I tried my best to recreate what Les and I had yesterday morning. I guess I should've really taken Jino's advice very seriously - to keep it cool, to calm down, and to reassess, because recently I'm at it again, thinking about every possible correlation and confusing each and every one of the things I'm working on.

Outside going to EGI, it finally dawned on me. I mind too much, even if everybody else doesn't. So maybe I might have said the things I wanted to say, and noticed it definitely fell on deaf ears, but so what? They don't care anyway. They're all too busy now, and you're supposed to be that as well, right? Then again, I was seated on my desk slumped between sketches and I can't help but hear voices in my head.

There's nothing wrong if you care, but I happen to care too much, and they don't care about me.

And your responses...

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