12/16/2006
Final darker flickers: the term in review

Well, so far our deadlines are over. All we probably have to do is sit back and relax a bit, and maybe trod back to the campus for our course cards. In my case, I'm getting four, all for my major classes. How about you?

It's been quite stressful, really. I think it's very obvious, right? I've been looking at everyone in the same running as I am and they're looking, quite frankly, older by the minute. In my case, my eyebags are getting bigger. I can't see enthusiasm in everyone's eyes, and lately all we've wanted is for things to be finished. So, here we are.

I think I've been telling everybody that we're all getting a much deserved vacation, even if there's still the course card to look for (and brace for). Jackie has gome through a DVD marathon last night and I told her it was well deserved. Caresse has finally stopped being "busy" and I told her she has to stop thinking about the last term. Well, it's been everybody else - Jan has to chill, Mon deserves the beach weekend, and back to us, I honestly deserve nothing but a good night's rest.

So maybe we did start to fight each other to get what we want. I've thrown a handful of jackets, snubbed a handful of people, ran around to everybody's irritation, and maybe stressed someone miles away for no particular reason. This term was an eye-opener; indeed it's not just me who's selfish, but we all are. I think they were right when they said taking up Communication Arts would bring out the best and worst in us. I'm no longer surprised to see hate tags, marked photo paper, and frustrated blog entries, if we still get to do so.

But if it's any worse, it's the realization that despite all the people I'm with and all the people I'll possibly meet, I'm all alone. Just this week people somehow turned their backs and said what I think was wrong. I was still in denial, and I started talking to myself (or with the headphones on) and lament about why people wouldn't understand, or even attempt to. As I did so, it all went back to me.

Somehow the term before this one was much better. Yes, yes, we were stressed, and at one point we also lost the enthusiasm in our eyes, but there was this genuine sense of... something, and I couldn't quite describe that, still, and I'm not exactly at a loss for words. And maybe it's just me not getting used to it, which means me walking around aimlessly looking for just that.

Permission to switch mushy please? Thank you.

I hate it when one thing becomes construed as the solution, because I believe in everything that's complicated - probably the reason why my life's as complicated, like it never really was - but then again, it's somehow been that way. I missed something, and I think now I simply misassociated it with, well, last term's flowery whatever-that-was that admittedly gave me a grin outside and an outpour inside. And when I somehow lost it, I thought, that must be it.

Apparently, no. I'm somehow hurt now, I'll admit, but it was quite unfair on everybody's part to have them get a grunt of my depression. And I'll remain so, but this time I wouldn't blame it on you. That was the most unfair thing, and I know right now I couldn't apologize because you never knew about it anyway. But I had my public, and they're probably curious, or they already know - well, sort of, but who cares now? - and maybe I should. Or it's me who now thinks we'll never get the chance.

Malia and a lot of people pointed it out, obviously a number of times - if it's damn hard right now, it's going to get a lot damn harder next time. Maybe next time the lack of enthusiasm in one's eyes would be replaced by empty eye sockets - grotesque, I know - but I guess I'll really have to get used to losing it once in a while and getting sentimental, like now, and although I know it isn't right simply because it gets in the way, I'll still end up doing so.

I should've remembered that we're still friends after all. It's like nothing disappeared but the contact, but I still keep numbers, and we wouldn't oblige sometimes. I know you aren't. And I know I'm annoying already. Stop it, I'll whisper soon. It's still unfair.

Okay. I've babbled already. I'm lost in my thoughts again - you weren't distracting me, though, but the open windows in this computer were. Yeah, I know you won't see this at some point. I'll just grab a hand and pretend it's done, although this is all but a vacation and something's coming after that, and it's going to be much harder, and it's going to be a little more slippery, and maybe I'll fall. I think I'll have to get used to looking forward to seeing you again, and I'll try not to look away sooner. I just wish it ends up like that. For now, though, I'll have to bask at waiting for course cards while I whisper to myself that, for this term at least, we're done.

For being too vocal, too quietly, about everything, I apologize.

For the uncalled whatnots that meant getting in the way of everything, I apologize.

For missing you too much, I apologize - then again, it can't be a wrong thing, and when I tell you you'd probably tell me you do, too. I should apologize to myself then. And then I'll push through, and you, you thought you had to start again.

Here's me wishing for everyone's happiness, especially yours - and mine.

And your responses...

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