1/31/2007
Concupiscence

Theologically speaking, at least, concupiscence refers to an expressed confusion. A very weak will, if you'd want it that way. Nevertheless, in such a state, we'd not be able to make decisions, and instead spend our lives hesitating and hesitating. Just now I looked the word up and realized it had a more worldly meaning, to say the least. Quite obviously I hesitated.

In recent days, though, if I've been talking about her to the handful of people still present to be needlessly pushed with whatever's up with it, it's on a rather different note. True enough, things have started to feel rather different - disregarding the cold, which I'd immediately compare to my Baguio vacation - and yet, you can't just take everything off and speak impulsively of stuff. It's not as easy as saying I'm over her or something similar. Of course, the lesson I've learned from quite a long time ago is, don't declare things quickly, and only because you'll be proven wrong at one point. I guess it's better to be as safe as, say, the opposition's senatorial line-up.

And true enough, I've been spending endless hours aimlessly walking again, actually hoping to chance to see people to while the time with, and for once they don't just act as mere distractions to the issues at hand. Well, maybe I hugged Clarence for too long yesterday when we met, and probably because after all of the perceived battering I thought I obviously got, I think I deserve some encouragement. And although most of the people whom I spend time with don't have any column inch of an idea about what it is - unless they've already read through my eyes and saw everything - I don't know. It's certainly something short of magical.

At this point in my life, usually I'd feel so bad all I want to do is obviously bat at letting go, with usually lame (or tedious) consequences. Right now I'm not willing to wait for another stage like this to come, but I'm half-expecting something like it to happen - in fact, it almost went to that point at the start of this term, only the circumstances are minimally different. You'd probably call it maturity when I say I'm not exactly surprised that I haven't had a reason to wait for some crazy idea to fall from the sky and take me to where it wants to take me, but quite obviously it seems, I've had a better idea this time than the last. Maybe it was the guidance, or maybe it was how I played the game - I don't know, whether it is as such or whether it is a game - but certainly it, well, isn't the same as it was. I won't be quick to declare anything, as I mentioned earlier. I still, remain hesitant.

Concupiscence. Hesitation, weakness, unwillingness, technically confusion. I don't get to spend most of my time with friends, and I don't have a special spot to call my own yet, so I still walk aimlessly. Eventually I'd make some sense out of, say, a random slight of reminiscing about the past, and why it seemed so perfect as compared to now.

True enough, it seemed so perfect - it was perfect, only that I wasn't able to hang on, or more correctly, I was asked to leave and refused to do so until I was forced to. There goes another chance, and I'd usually decide to walk away from it, and correctly so. By then I'd be thinking the words that frequently visit my head now, to the point that they've become some sort of VIP, only they're thoughts rather than persons. Why am I reacting this way when I technically don't feel anything for her anymore?

And your responses...

i find that if you think about something too much, it takes on dimensions of importance it did not have before.

Blogger lizette2/03/2007     

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