I apparently had a terrible reputation back in SBCA. Well, that's already a given, considering my three month stay there wasn't all good, and people decided to bully me at first glance. (If I ever had friends there remains doubtful up to this point.) I remember this story during our first LPEP day, when Isah saw me and realized I was her blockmate. I can't vouch if this is true, but it is said that she was surprised and scared, precisely because I was her blockmate. Although I don't know whether that affected anything - if it did, then hell, she did a good job of hiding it because it wasn't any obvious - it certainly turned out much differently.

To be honest, as if I haven't mentioned this before, I was also scared upon realizing I have blockmates from SBCA. Two of them, even. Throughout my years in Anima I had this image of my past school as one which, if we're to use current lingo, "harbors" bullies and does nothing about it, which is technically hypocrisy because they have an air-quoted anti-bullying policy. And up to now I still keep that image, although I'd be open for some exceptions. Nevertheless the word "poser" keeps on propping up.

Impressions do last, to the extent that it'd actually affect how you see things. Of course, the consequent observation is that it won't always hold true: eventually we'd change perspectives, or whenever we get to know someone deeper our opinions would change. What rarely happens, though, is what happens the moment you get to compare both impressions and realize they're entirely different. And, it becomes much more complicated when you realize they run at the same time.

Not that it's hypocrisy, of dual personalities, of being a "poser" for the sake of it. That can't be an entirely different thing, but you can't just box in one thing and call it another, right?

I first met Karla during the ABS-CBN studio tour, and as usual she was then just a connection I was weirdly willing to toss aside for an occasional photo. Occasional meet-ups and four terms later, we were classmates, and only then did I know her to some extent - not just as one who lugs around a seemingly expensive camera, willing to snap everyone and maybe publish it somewhere. Our little sojourns have been documented elsewhere - suffice it to say she became one of the best friends I ever had, if I ever had one at all.

The entire thought train began when I picked up the latest copy of The Lasallian, where she occasionally writes a column. Within the four terms where the scattered meet-ups distracted me in between getting out and over with Kizia, for example, she was simply a writer who also dabbled in photography who I occasionally met in the corridors. And sometimes I'd even probably refuse to greet her. Within those four terms there'd be occasional stabs at jealousy - "why didn't I make it?" to "why did a lot at LR17 make it?" to "am I not really meant for it?" to "am I not meant to move forward anywhere?" to "damn it, why are they just so damn lucky?" - and then, there goes my impression of her: a damn lucky girl.

It takes something else to scrub that impression off. When I realized we'd be permanent seatmates in class, I had forgotten about what I initially thought she was. Suffice it to say it flowed very quickly, and it took one grab of an issue to realize that there are two impressions to work with. At lunch yesterday, I read her column, realizing that what she was writing about organization "members" who don't actively participate strikes very well with me. She thinks of things, I thought, that I can't possibly think of. Then again, it occurs to me that she said the same thing, in a different manner, on a different platform, at one point. Two impressions collide.

And then I realize that what I thought isn't what works. Apparently I had it a bit wrongly, or maybe I was duped again - but still, I bought it. It isn't what it seems to be.

I guess stable relationships only happen once you make sense of the many impressions you get. I can't be sure about what happened to Isah, and why she acted that way - not that I'm accusing her of anything, but nobody could probably know anything about how she made sense of the impression I made six years ago with the impression I probably gave her in the first term of college. In my case, I forgot about the first one upon realizing Karla was this hyperactive, seemingly simple girl who's constantly mistaken for a member of the DLSU soccer team. And that was the case for almost everybody else, although nobody can be sure whether it'd work well or not.

Come to think of it. At one point in my life, Jaja is a naïve girl from the province. Sarah was a very personable, err, person. Derek was an irritating poet who kept on joking to make a good impression. Cuyeg was simply unapproachable. Jan would be similarly annoying, although I probably didn't have a choice. And eventually, all of these impressions wouldn't hold - eventually they would change, or maybe be expanded and get much more complicated, and at the risk of being taken out of context, they just happened.

I guess stable relationships only happen once you make sense of the many impressions you get. Or maybe I can't just guess it - it actually is fact. Of course, aside from the argument that it usually gets in the way of meeting up with people - in my case, I was a freak, and probably always will be, until someone pointed out that (self-indulgence aside) I am helpful, nice and everything else positive. And maybe, eventually, I'd probably be able to say that Jason is very insecure, or that Caresse is pretty paranoid in a few aspects, or that Les is bubbly and nice, yet misunderstood. And, I could be wrong, and probably I am, as always.

So I can't tell whether that impression Isah had on me stays. I can't be sure. In my case, that impression of a bully-lover still stays, and that gets in the way most of the time. At least it goes to the school, not to the people who actually spent their time trying to figure out who I may seem to be. We all live on impressions - we eat, study, and survive on them. And maybe they're the closest thing we have to the real thing.

As for Karla, I'm definitely certain what I thought of her initially is very, very wrong.

And your responses...

Haha. I was never scared of being your blockmate, and i think its safe to say that any bad impressions i once had on you are now gone. X)

Anonymous isah4/23/2007     


Anonymous isah4/23/2007     

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