1/08/2007
Sound sensitivity

But really, I love Steph. Or maybe, I love talking to Steph. Or maybe it's me desperate for a conversation, which was probably why I actually decided to stay with her despite the fact that I live far away, and we were out of radio production class an hour early because we've finished our concept papers for our PSAs. I entered the classroom feeling terrible for no apparent reason, and I got out somewhat weirdly attached to her bangs, and we found ourselves walking out of campus and to U-Mall, for apparently nothing and everything.

So, what do you expect? Of course there was the off-topic phrase in between window shopping, actual shopping, and sitting in threatening benches. I was coerced in divulging the occasional secret, and she was coerced in mentioning details I wouldn't otherwise know (or believe for that matter). And, surprisingly, I did spend the next hour with her, as if we were on a date that didn't matter, as I myself put it.

Funnily enough, Steph had to do some catching up. It was hard talking to her about a few things, simply because the last thing she probably heard about me was that I have a crush on Ale, which to be quite serious is a year and a half ago. She did hear about Kizia, but she wasn't sure until I told her just tonight. If to make things a little bit controversial, Kizia and Sam did pass by, and after the customary greetings I asked Steph some little weird detail. Whatever that is, I forgot.

Oh, but I had the chance to go a bit emotional. I don't deserve to be anybody's boyfriend, I jokingly (but half-meant as always) quipped; as expected, I got the don't be pessimistic reply from her. If only single awareness day wasn't in the air, bringing memories of even more spontaneous emotional release, things were going so quick, before I knew it the conversation had me dragging along the locked doors of a shop. Steph found herself surprised, and not just at the fact that the welcome mat didn't mean what it said, but also through what we were talking about. I can only imagine her eyes open up at her revelations and mine.

But maybe I like Steph (in that way, not in that way) because of what she said that nobody else did. True enough, I am a bit coinceited - like who isn't? - but I still find disbelief in her observing that I'm funny, and only because I don't find myself one, or my humor finds myself laughing alone. But we're not really close, and that's surprise number two. She herself admitted it in her testimonial, and I could attest to that. Maybe there's this occasional meet-up, which ends up going nowhere or everywhere, but nothing much, really. You know another one of those hard-to-connect senses, right?

And that's the main reason why, despite people consistently asking, Steph never became a crush. Not even close. But it's surprising I'm telling her secrets, or maybe it was because I was coerced - or, to be more specific, she guessed the name right - but as usual it got me up and all that. And for another moment of self-realization - it did spark my night up, as if the bus journey at 19.00 seemed all worth it, even if I let up with her funny phone conversations with a sarcastically endearing ending.

True enough, I have moved on. In the many stories we've seemed to exchange it seems the main thing we pushed is moving on. When we were talking about the third story - the secret, so to speak - I wasn't getting any indifferent, nor a bit shocked that despite what suddenly amounts to a lie I'm taking it really well. Or maybe it's sinking in way too late for me not to have had it internalized or anything, but still, with someone talking to despite the constant rambling that meant switching topics, I still got to do something about it.

I don't really mind if everything actually amounted to a lie. Or at least the term "lie" would be an accusation on my part, because I couldn't force her. I probably only find it weird to see that the very thing I speculated would turn out to be, well, half-fact.

Back to my I-don't-deserve-to-be-anyone's-boyfriend line. When I opened that up, that new favorite theme of mine came up as well. I gotta be assertive, I said. And if it doesn't feel like repetitive coincidences, she asked me about courting people, as if I would, or as if I could. Well, it isn't anything significant anyway, or at least that's what I think, but isn't it ironic? It seems that every time this time of the year comes something weird, to say the least, comes up. I'd not want to cry, but I'd probably give it a try.

But fulfill that promise for me, Steph, and you'll make me really happy.

And your responses...

Post a Comment