2/14/2007
"And earlier you said she was irrelevant?"

Eight hours later, I sit in front of the computer without any idea as to what to write.

I remember a year ago, when I was talking to Eena. I just posted my mushiest entry yet, despite me trying not to write something mushy. She knew I didn't want an entry like that, so she was surprised when I finally told her what my entry was about, two days after posting it. Today, we met again - this time, I was lugging a camera with the telephoto lens plugged in, and she was watching pairs sing to cheesy songs on Lovestruck. And so it irritates me, all this Valentine's Day crap, because it's the day when men get enough courage to give roses to the women of their dreams, and the day when the Pops Orchestra goes around the campus singing love songs to whoever one points them to, and the day when all that romantic crap surface from below.

And what makes it even worse is that it fell on U-Break - possibly the best opportunity for a couple to shout out something, like "this girl loves this guy" and "this guy loves this girl more", although it didn't happen, thankfully. I spent my free time in the dark room, trying to enlarge black and white photos while thinking of how to do that depth of field photo shoot during the busiest time of the week, complete with all the aforementioned signs that serve to irritate people like me.

Well, not really. Of course, all this goes out to a selected number of people - it depends on who you are! I don't think everybody who was sad as of last year had a reason to whine this time. Ariane already has a boyfriend, as if it wasn't any obvious. Clarence seems to have already moved on, and when I saw her buy food in Animo today I thought that love does express through one's physical means. I think everybody else seems happier, and for a moment, so did I. But it isn't really the case: Katia sent me a pretty dismaying email (on her perspective at least). Meg isn't any happy, but you can only ask her why. Put me in that list, and we're actually ahead.

So why the fuss about Valentine's Day? And why the fuss, even, for "single awareness day"? Mirielle sent me a text message this Sunday, I think, greeting me a happy "single awareness week", as if one day isn't torture enough. I still make public the fact that I don't really care about the holiday, as I told Clarence and Ariane when they greeted me while I was having lunch. (Yet I write these entries to tell you how I feel. Absolutely hypocritical!) You can't escape it, though - people just want to tell their partners "I love you" and all that, complete with ridiculously necessary ways to express just that, or else you donate blood.

It's going to be a travesty if it "hurts" more because the one you sort-of-like-all-too-much-but-can't has someone else by her side, and basically that was what I risked the entire day today. And obviously, for two hours that what I was trying to get away from, until eventually I had to pull the plug myself. And Eena was there, understanding how hard it was for me to just stay there for some particular reason, and with that really heavy camera I toodled off to class, where military strategies distracted me quite effectively.

And again, to why Valentine's Day means so much - well, maybe too much - to a lot of people. As with last year they've had favorite love teams and flower prices in store, but this year we had Mang Ed wishing us safe because the traffic is terrible, with all the dating people, well, dating. My brother has been giving away gifts, further hammering his "crush ng bayan" reputation. Abby (better known, probably, as the "pretty [one] you'll never know") went to class with a bouquet of flowers. Sars got her boyfriend in hand. Ale got a rose - at least, a rose. In the dark room, the prevalent question was "may ka-date ka mamaya?" until eventually it'd turn out to be a group date.

As for me, well, it's much more damn complicated. Stuck in between "well, really" and "well, not really", I ended up almost crying before class began, bottling it all up while trying to take more photos. I guess it still hurts, since everything was quite fresh and I'm still not saying anything. Caresse bugged me to tell her but I won't; on the other hand, Nadia apparently didn't send me an offline message I nevertheless found sweet. I went home obviously tired from all the photos I tried to enlarge, and the nose damage I could've done, and the swiped cameras I did for Jason, and eventually, all the thinking that went to this entry, which eventually wasn't what I thought it would be.

And I haven't "asked out" Issa, one thing you'll never get unless you had my mobile and her number. Maybe something like, "and earlier you said she was irrelevant?" quickly rebutted. And she was right. She still is relevant, but I'm trying hard to make her otherwise.

Then again, love does express through one's physical means. And isn't it obvious I'm not looking at her? It's quite new, really, and once I realize I'm talking this way again, I'll give my rebuttal. Heck, I tried my best to make this as un-mushy as possible, and yet I still sound bitter.

And your responses...

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