2/27/2007
At least that's technically true

I'm looking at somebody else. It's not supposed to make a huge impact, but nevertheless it's somebody else. Well, maybe one person too many, but since that feeling decided to fade away, at least temporarily, it seems a lot weirder.

Or I'm not used to it. This is the first time I realized something like, you're actually trying to get into somebody else just to get over someone. I know that's not exactly good, since the rationale isn't quite sturdy. Maybe I'm just trying to fill up those nobody-really-cares sentiments to people that, well, doesn't really care. Or maybe irritated.

I am aware we're all busy, but I'm like a kleptomaniac. Despite me knowing what's actually there I still think people are annoyed at me for some possible reason; that people actually move away from me because I can't seem to grow up. Well, I was stuck in a certain mindset for the past six months, not talking about anything else, obviously excited about something that doesn't really mean anything more than a pretty face to look at and, eventually, get scared of. Biologically I might have learned to rely on talking to myself whenever something of that sort happens, but not really now.

Rather, a lot of other people get those thought bubbles, and I find it weird.

Sure, they'll all remain one of those random attractions. Repulsively I'll probably think of something along the lines of it'll still stay with her - sounds like a martyr, even if eventually all the clues come together. I still get asked about it once in a while, and my answer remains all real: I haven't seen anything new. I still write about her all the time. I haven't got anything else to think of. But I forget about it whenever I decide to take on something more significant. And that happens most of the time. As if all I had to do now is randomly express my affections to other people when all I wanted to do is throw that one at her again, since it's been quite long, honestly. At that point, I don't miss her.

Two weeks ago, I was more emotional. It's not our fault we drifted apart, I'd think, and yet I realize it's wrong and throw that away. It's nobody's fault, true; I just contradicted myself, however, with thinking of that exactly. It's like doing something for the sake of enjoying it. It now seems I'm merely carrying an empty shell of what used to excite me, to dominate my days, to wreck havoc on my nights. I still get surprised, although it isn't what it used to be. It's never there anymore.

Maybe it's time I lay this thing to rest, but I've surprisingly not considered doing that, and only because I might be wrong, like the last time I was. It's a fault of mine to sit things out and wait for things to happen - precisely what everybody said. And I don't know why I keep on bothering about how things exactly work out, or something. I just keep it a secret as if nothing happened - most remain clueless and think I actually haven't moved on. Funny for me to think that maybe it is true.

That handful of people remain just that, however. Not exactly an escape route - I'd say they're probably more of a casual thing than one taken all too seriously. It's another realignment of priorities, and I know it's for the good. I should stop being a sentimental sourgrape, probably. It's so much better at this point to just turn your head to the left of what's behind you, than dream of what happens in one of those rooms beyond.

But, of course, you'll not escape what happens before all of us get to where we dream of these things.

And your responses...

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