2/10/2007
That's why we never hope to understand

I somehow knew it would eventually come to this. And I somehow expected it. But again, as Ale put it almost a year back, it will blow out of proportion the moment you think it's over.

What amazes me is how things seem to be designed to lead up to that moment. I was delaying taking photos when I decided to chat with Katia, who was in Sydney enduring a crappy connection. That moment I decided to reread old testimonials and old entries, and somehow I started reminiscing about, well, old things, and how complicated they eventually get with time. What I've previously written as a simple, innocent sense of happiness would almost always turn out to be much more than that, and even more the moment I step out of the picture. So I sat in front of the PC, looking back, and realizing that in our own little ways, we make things very complicated.

Eight hours later, I was hitting myself. Sure, I thought, I probably still have the right to feel shocked and not surprised at the same time. But why am I acting as if things were almost that good? It took a surprisingly short time for things to sink in, partly because I told myself in the bus that everything I head was mostly speculation. There I was, making things very complicated, and I guess that's the problem with knowing far too much.

Five weeks ago this came up randomly in a conversation. I wasn't shocked, but I nevertheless went around and spoke as if there was an agreement. There it went, I thought later on, me acting as if things were almost that good. Remember my insignificance. I'm insignificant to everyone. There was that one greeting during that week, and eventually many more things happened to me until priorities got flipped again, and I was busier than ever. And, of course, the silly old coward that was me was happy that somehow I was getting over her quicker than expected, and even without doing anything much! But of course, as I'd later realize, there'd be those few - wait, many - moments when I'd find myself whining for something really simple. I told Issa about "insignificance" and yet I'd quickly realize it isn't exactly like that. It isn't that simple.

Four weeks later, I remembered that fact in another conversation. I quickly disregarded it. Besides, it was merely a conversation point.

Two days later, I was obviously busy again. I had thirty-six shots to fill, most of which I already gobbled up the day before. Statistics class didn't push through. Shifty even already set up rehearsals for his PSA script, which was over faster than all four of us in the radio lab expected. By then that moment already occurred, amidst the confusion enveloping the second floor - a relaxed sprawl, an already very obvious fact to the point that I actually thought it'd been a well-hidden secret until that moment - and again I disregarded that as merely another conversation point. I thought I had more important things to do. I still had to figure out how Danica's sound effects would go.

Forty-five minutes later, I got it figured all out. Out of joking with Bea and Asia, I went out of the console room, went to the spinner's room, and decided to play something mushy to push the point Asia was sending to Bea. If anything, I already got the point myself, and while I was fumbling with the CD players trying to find the right track, I realized I myself was starting to get synthetically repulsive. I decided to go home, and the moment my body made contact with the bed, I grabbed my mobile and texted Issa.

It's hard to be heartbroken the second time around.

And only because I knew that, unlike nine months ago, things are still much closer to home, and I'm basically without a chance to duck in a safe position. Looking back, a little over twenty-three hours later, I realize that my reactions led me to actually going through the same mistakes I actually tried my best to avoid. Sure, I still haven't done the worst of them, but maybe there was something with me telling her what I thought I felt seven months ago that backfired. That makes everything hurt much more - you've tried, and yet you haven't succeeded. It's harder the second time around.

I'm still willing to hope, though, that I get through this - that I get over her, even in the way I've despised but have been more familiar with - because, quite honestly, even with the warnings and the preparation period that's been given to me, I still end up getting as surprised as I was way back.

It's as if it this entire story was designed from the start - from the moment I met her, to the moment I finally realized I really haven't.

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