3/17/2007
The motion keeps my heart running

And since Issa reminded me again not to look for inspiration again, I decided not to.

And it's been quite a while, honestly. It's been a while since I decided to tackle this thing fairly differently than the rest. Sure, it's been a little bit over a year since it all started, and in between there's been a hell lot of things that can be dumped into a time capsule for safekeeping. And sure, even if I eventually resigned to the thought that it would end up wrecking me to bits, it never went to that scale. And, you could predict I'm going to play the maturity card, but no.

If I only knew it earlier, I would've realized that what I was trying to do is basically throwing fists at the sky. Anyway it felt as if I was as flimsy as a dork, with no extraordinary physical capabilities to speak of. But maybe, if I did know about it that early I wouldn't have gone to this point; I wouldn't have known all of this, and all of that. I'd be cheesy if I say it's been a learning experience. There's no denying it. I am cheesy.

The past fifty-two weeks already stands as a blur. The time capsule has been terribly mangled, and I've nowhere else to go. I guess it helps, rather than have all the memories play with me until I fall to the ground and suck my thumb. And rather than I gripe needlessly, I think instead of what else I've actually done since this came in my system. I've wrestled with this endlessly, and all that, but nevertheless I'm happy.

Looks like I'm lost for words again.

But come to think of it. In recent days all I've been having is comfort - something I was deprived of during the last few days, months even. While today stands as the busiest, considering what we all have to do, the past stands as a playful reminder of what we used to be. if growth is by any means particular to this thing, I would've won an award. I wouldn't take the risk of declaring anything, but I'm happy I stayed, and let things run along.

Usually images burn in my head, and I am left an intellectual mess, paranoid over what people could possibly think, or over what could possibly happen. I guess I was too scared of facing a repeat of what happened in the past, precisely because it did happen before. Right now I'm faced with many clues and I just pass them off, not because it doesn't matter, but because it's been quite a blur. I've got other things to do.

I'm losing words to say. I feel compelled to announce this to the world, however; I think I owe everyone an apology for that, but nobody would care to know, anyway. But fifty-two weeks - you can throw another one in, if you wish - and counting suddenly doesn't mean anything anymore. For a moment, and onwards, I'm not going to place closure and instead let it rot - as terrible the metaphor may be - and enrich the earth. I'm not going to whine wonders about why people drift apart. I'm going to, however, let her simply stay on as a pinkspark - just a smile on the corner, a thought drifting to the stars, a memory that'll eventually sink...

...as much as it could hurt me to say, I'm willing to let somebody else take her place now. But I won't go searching yet. As Issa said, I should let it come to me - and, I figured, I should open my eyes wide. This isn't the end of the world. Rather, I just added another day to creation.

And your responses...

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