3/19/2007
Similitude

I was in a bad mood earlier, triggered by talk of friendships that actually make you grow. Or maybe it came in at a fairly terrible time, when I was thinking of another shortage of photo paper, or how we'd manage to work around a needlessly complicated talk show. To be fair, it was classes that led me to think about why I've been left out alone for so long, but eventually stories of "exciting" times got me back to speed. Nothing is suddenly left to chance.

I actually was surprised at what I decided to do. Rather than troop to the Internet café to download stuff, I ended up talking to the people I've been talking to for quite a while. After Reena, Osang and Carmel, there was Les and (to a smaller extent) Sarah, and then Derek, Danica and Bea. So, maybe, why would I practically whine about not having good friendships? I did have a point, though. It's all part of mutual advantages. For an hour I felt used, and I don't think anybody gave a damn, except probably when I half-joked about being on the verge of crying.

I was surprised that Les knew about my secret. I'll admit it - I tried particularly hard to keep it from her. I thought it wouldn't help, with proximity matters and all. I guess she'd understand if she had the chance. But I guess I was prepared for such a moment, and it passed as if I knew I really told her. I guess it's normal. I guess it's also been forgotten - Sarah was there, tending to her surprisingly loose (borrowed) shirt, and she didn't seem to react even if she also knew about my secret. I guess it's campaigning fatigue. I'll leave it at that.

Before the "exciting" stories came, I was really down. I wasn't drowsy - I was down. If people decide that it'd be a better world with me shutting my mouth, I guess they've seen what was happening to me and wished misery instead of happiness. But no, I'm not in a state of misery - I just think too much, that's all. Eventually Tracy came in and I gave her a smile, and she promptly returned the greeting. The classroom was really cold, so I stayed out. Signs fell from the sky. I had to go back to the freezer, and suddenly it felt so nice being in there.

If charms had the biggest potential to attract someone, then probably I'm the biggest victim of them all. I'll be really honest - people have found their way to my vaults and decided to, maybe attempt, to at least leave me drunk with surprises. As to why I haven't taken opportunities to find similitude with a million other people, it remains to be my problem - with a lack of confidence, or a lack of questions to ask.

I guess it's just the circumstances which lead me to believe that people are nice to me right now. Maybe I'll find out who really speaks the truth, and who really is willing.

I'm feeling better now. After classes ended earlier, with the rain showering down and making a significant part of SJ Walk absorb more moisture, I was perked up with the prospect of twins, although people still want me to keep quiet. I can still sense it. I slept it off anyway. I can't presume anything good happens, still, but I'm not wandering off or anything, and yet daydreams occur on the commute and I know something good's coming. Just now, however, I wondered what would have happened if circumstances were different when I told Les about the current state of my secret. I guess it would've been entirely different.

I think I rubbed off my sentiments to other people. But they're fine, or at least they claim. I can't be sure, though. For a moment, I thought she had you and you had her...

And your responses...

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