7/25/2007
You are (not necessarily) victorious

Is it just me, and the way I was brought up to think that people around me need help, or do I just have a natural magnetism towards the most vulnerable side of people?

I've been thinking about it for quite a while, or maybe the past fifteen minutes. Never rarely did I see myself reaching out to someone, giving advice on topics that I can't possibly give reliable advice on because, in the first place, I haven't been in an inkling on their position. Sometimes I see it as an offshoot of my love for talking (but not the gift of gab, ironically) but most of the time I surprise myself when I realize that the person on the other end is thanking me profusely, because apparently, because of my nosiness, things have become much clearer.

Well, yes, for the most part I am the nosiest person you could ever meet. Sometimes I blame my memory, like ten minutes ago when I noticed Reena's status message was a line that Sir Unson left us from philosophy class. Sometimes it's my intellect - not to rub it in, but sometimes it's got to happen - in the way a status message is written, and how I manage to read between (and within) the lines even if it's all constrained to one. Who knows, maybe because the folks back in high school called me Boy Abunda because I look like him when I have a haircut. His questioning style could have rubbed off on me, and thus, I interview to no end, while my heart beats faster than usual.

But eventually I still manage to do so. Or, better yet, fate manages to lead me to that side that never gets exposed. I'm not really proud of this, you know. Sure, I manage to somehow help, with what Ale called as advice from a bird's eye perspective (because, she says, I've neither been on one side or another), but the bottom line is, you'll never get to do anything until you get very much involved in it. And once I do, as some stupid sign says, "there is no a turning back."

I still don't know, honestly. It's precisely why I'd rather give out advice in every way except personally. First, I get to think over the scenario being presented, and if I can't think of anything just yet, I can type in "hrm" on the window and the other person will get it. Then, I don't get to imagine the reactions and emotions involved - it may sound similarly ironic, but you'll get me soon - because I'm as distracted as I could be thinking of a way of breaking things gently through flowery, often misinterpreted parallelisms. But the second point holds true, more often than not. Ask me for help personally, and I'll see your eyes gazing at mine.

Yes, it goes to me being another one of those incurable romantics, constantly thinking on their two feet, with their heart in hand, and nowhere else.

So I'll admit that it doesn't technically work, because for one, the distractions I mentioned earlier still manage to gravitate towards that vulnerability of mine that nobody has been willing to even try to solve. Whether it's a longing for a certain reassurance, or something much more complicated, it eventually gets tapped just by a certain concerned gaze that you're forced to reciprocate, although emptily. Somehow you manage to see the difference a situation makes. Is it just me, happy to know I'm helping, yet sad to know nobody is? Or the feeling of helplessness?

I think I only become so particularly attached to a person - without anything that manifests it except for, probably, a blog entry or twenty - when I realize that I can do something, but just can't.

Difference marked today, though. Somehow everything became a sick joke and it was as if nothing happened. It's only a short conversation, maybe a pointless one about the future, and then I was out of the room, inevitably thinking, but nevertheless lost in a different way. Eventually I still managed to get out of what could have been a potentially explosive plot, with more of the rhetoric about long distances and impossible scenery, and me insistently dreaming of something that I technically cannot, and will not, have. Or maybe fate has managed to lead me to that side that has never been exposed, at least not until the past few weeks, and out of it. Closure was necessary for this one.

And your responses...

Hmm, I dunno what's the best way for me to say this, either "No man is an Island" or "All we have is each other" kinda reaction to this...I may be wrong...^^ peace!

Blogger Saturn De Los Angeles7/26/2007     

if the comment is for me....i want to thank you...it freaked me out a little bit because you know my secret identity haha...im so conscious right now

Anonymous Anonymous7/26/2007     

Ahh, no wunder...yup and only 4 hours of sleep aint helpin' me...>_>....any clues on who dat person might be if by any chance...? hehe...

Blogger Saturn De Los Angeles7/27/2007     

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