8/03/2007
Handheld

"Hi," she started off. "I'm Fran. I'm Niko's friend..."

"Sort of," I retorted, as I held the camera as steadily as I can.

"...sort of," she resignedly said, and laughed slightly.

I actually wonder how my autobiography would turn out. The fact that I decided to shoot it in a documentary style, with a strong reliance on interviews, meant some heads turned at the slightest mention. But I hope it works, despite the fact that for most of the short clip with Fran, for example, I was violating the rules on balanced headroom. And almost everything is shaky, which is not exactly what Miss Trini wants, since we're all asked to find quiet places and do well-lit reenactments.

But, as with everything else, this has become another journey of self-discovery, however cheesy that line gets. Or, to be quite technical about it, a journey of self-rediscovery. Who would've known that I actually forgot about how I acted whenever Ale is around?

Well, yes, I actually forgot about it. As I told Tracy, who gamely played the "assistant autobiographer" in the project, I remember the blog entries, but not the way I acted. But when Lau talked to the camera and recounted the stories I apparently told her about (probably almost) every single encounter I had with Ale during those months, about how nervous I get when we're six feet from each other, and how extremely joyful I get when we exchange the shortest of lines. But somehow, I chose it to be that way, because I eventually realized that I didn't really write anything about those little moments, at least not ambiguously.

And, actually, I also forgot that I told Lau something. I was viewing my rushes - all fifty minutes of it, or so - and I remembered those old times, when the world probably thought my entire life revolved around the girl that struck my fancy, for lack of a better term. How could I forget that, for the first few months of college, I was talking to Lau about everything? I think her words during the interview speak for itself. I had another crush, and I stopped talking to her about it.

As much as my hands determine how steady my shot is, and how easy it would be for my viewers to watch, my hands also determine where I steer. I think this isn't really a new lesson for everybody. As children we're all advised - notice the euphemism? - to color within the lines in order for us to get a better grade in school, and thus Niko as a toddler most probably cried when the rule is broken. Eventually, in high school, Niko as a clueless adolescent was incessantly told that it was his fault why the school rejected him. Forgive me for using myself in third person as an example, but there's a theme to be followed here. That theme, I also decided for myself.

In this case, I somehow also chose to forget about it. Maybe laugh about it later when the need arises. And I chose to remember them all for the laughs.

What's been happening - in my head, and what actually does - as of late meant I rediscover this thing I should have been living by. I don't know why people love blaming others for things that they either actually had a direct hand on, or don't understand, or deny outright. (Although, of course, there are thing we can never have a handle on.) It's like every time someone asks the government to work on the corruption issue, only to get a lot of pointed fingers, pointed at different directions, taking care that none of the fingers are pointed at him, and thus we instead see an outstretched hand as if it just dropped something intentionally. It's like you're praying over someone. It's like you dropped your responsibilities. It's like the smallest things I refuse to realize, or forget I actually have.

Yesterday didn't exactly get me thinking, but I'll admit I got a kick out of forcing myself to interview friends I've kept secrets with, and (almost) all of my past crushes. It gave me a chuckle, a thought bubble, and then something else.

When I went home (unintendedly) with Mae after almost all has been shot and the terribly-placed holiday beckoned, I was being teased because of the fact that I actually interviewed Fran, which, as far as I'm concerned, is an impulsive decision based on a need to present diversity on my video, and somehow try to muddle myself up on ill-placed animosity that was exchanged inside Toni's van the Sunday before. And, also, because I'm somewhat interested in her answer. Whichever case, I'm aware I'd get different questions once I present the final cut on Tuesday, and partly because of the last question I asked her - a question I asked Icka previously, just for the sake of having people think.

"Do you think I'll ever have a crush on you?"

"No," Fran quickly replied, and she laughed.

I can choose that one. It's all in my hands now.

And your responses...

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