8/09/2007
The twenty-first at Echo Park

It was really nice of you to ask the world whether our happiness depends on other people. Of course, my simplest answer would be, how the heck would I know?

Maybe I could have given a less defensive answer, but there are actually many ways of answering this. For one, you could say that humans are sociable by nature, thus the evolution of communities to countries, and the politics that go along with it. If you could get very clichéd about it, the over-quoted no man is an island makes the most of your answer, but that doesn't really cut it, don't you think?

Forgive me, but I'm an inevitable example. I may be a loner at times but conversations with other people sustain me in the long run. You can only have so many thoughts stored in the tangled-up tube that's known to most as the brain. Those who have encountered psychology in an academic setting (and paid any attention to it) might know too well that this needs releasing, else we drive ourselves into madness. I love writing, but there are some things that the phrases I weave cannot possibly justify, and takes something similar to a free stream of consciousness to let out. Thus, I think, the need for conversation.

As I type this paragraph, twenty-one people are online on my Yahoo! Messenger list, but most definitely I'll never really get to talk to anyone except for the rare time when they actually need me, and only as a utility rather than a deeply-trenched necessity. At one point, one of these twenty-one people unwittingly got my trust, and as the conversations became more frequent, the intensity of the topics shared became deeper. When something wrong happens, it fails. And when it fails, you somehow die along with it.

Back when we were freshmen, there was the Ian and Toni story. I've been relying on hearsay with regards to what really happened the night everybody bored of the big shortcoming that is the fashion show left and started a plot twist all their own, but I remember what Ian has been telling me about the aftermath of the entire thing. Not being bitter, but unusually introspective, actually - he was talking, if I recall correctly, about how he managed to fall from a conversation and lost it when he decided to use the trust that was established two months before to tell what he really feels. That actually left an impression on me and my similar sojourns.

What I'm drilling here is this: my happiness depends on how my relationships with other people stand. Everybody knows I'm a talkative person, but not everybody knows it actually sucks to be talking to yourself, right? My experience has somehow proved it. What I consider the worst moments of my life concerned relationships, and it could have been worse if not for the other people that helped me somehow get through it. You lose your trust and confidence in one person, and you live to regret it for most (at least, I think) of your life, but everything else sustains you and keeps you from failing. It could be a cliché, but the people who are scorned in life end up getting really suicidal. Still, it all depends on what you do about it.

I know you've been reading this for the longest time, and eagerly fascinated, I presume. And probably you're wondering why I keep on writing about the people that I judge as being able to make me happy - well, even I don't know why I excessively rely on them. Some are happy with what they have done and what they have bought, but eventually they share it with others, either by letting their friends ride their cars or by showing it off to a television reporter and hoping everybody else sees it. It really depends on what other people think. To put it succinctly, we all aim to please.

And maybe that's what propelled me to do all of the things I've done - to please some people, because we know we can't please all of them. Of course the greatest of gratifications happen when you know a lot of appreciation is given to you, when all that you've done has been reacted on, preferably positively, and you know you're doing a good job. It's very much like positive feedback in the workplace, or a girl finally saying yes to your pleas.

Yes, whoever you are, I know I'm not really happy, in that aspect, even if I say that I don't really find a need for one.

And lately I've been imagining, with so many people, even if it really is impossible since someone already beat me to it. I know thoughts don't exactly hurt them. I should've known that it can hurt me more.

But it's nice that you asked the question. Maybe it's been the past weeks that got me back to this level, after the documentary where I (somewhat) effectively faced most of my college crushes and speculated about future ones. This is merely a wave of thought and I think this isn't really going to be permanent. Nevertheless I think we need them as much as they need us. It's as much as, say, how Ale swooned over her video, or how Ariane managed to make the most of what she had, or how Misha seems effortless about it, or how Lizette almost did it three months ago, and eventually succeeded a month later. And me telling you about this? It's the trust level going up. It's the fascination. Maybe it's time you give me your name for a change.

And your responses...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Lizette8/09/2007     

yep, i agree to the following:

1. it's a lonely feeling seeing people online but not having anyone to talk to. it's like being reminded of how detached you are from the rest of the world.

it's better to not see anyone online instead.

2. people closest to us could hurt us most.

3. it sucks to talk and not have anyone listen. does no one care?

but i really don't see this in you. maybe, you're just not appreciative enough of who's around.

good luck and i hope you become happier.

Anonymous ~8/11/2007     

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