9/22/2007
Contrast and brightness

The look of boredom, personified.

I've always had the feeling that something is bound to go wrong with whatever I try to do. Whether it's paranoia remains a different question - it's more of me trying to make it work right, and consistently, it doesn't at one point or another. Everybody knows I'm a perfectionist - thus what is supposedly a short paper becomes kilometric - and maybe that's a one-word answer to my plight. On second thought, maybe it is paranoia.

Jaja and I attended our supposed pre-retreat orientation, although the day before we made official our intention to switch sections and partly fulfill Jackie's hopes of a LR19 overnight bonding moment. (And rightfully so, since it's always been the BonoSoc most of the time.) That day I thought it'd be a breeze, but now both of us are unsure as to whether the request has been granted, and if it doesn't, we're stuck without room assignments! Talk about a false sense of relief. Jackie couldn't even be sure if our request would be granted - the only help she could offer was telling us whether there were free slots in section A60, where most of the block evacuated when slots for A52 ran dry - and she could only hope so. "Si [Lynne] approved na yung transfer niya," she said. "Sana ma-approve na rin kayo."

I wouldn't want to think things have gone utterly wrong this week because there's no reason to do so - I'd rather follow Jackie's advice of laughing everything off along the way, in fact. We may not get what we really wanted, but there's a way to make something out of it. Words of advice and encouragement filtered out the presumptions, and the smallest mistakes become opportunities for repair. But it's me being too optimistic - am I going to die any minute? - because, of course, in all of these point I got frustrated. Annoyed, even. Or that complicated fatal cocktail of every possible emotion, which probably explains for that pimple growing on my left cheek.

Supremacy is one thing, but keeping yourself human is another. And insisting you are supreme is a different thing altogether. You can convince that you're invincible and be able to get everything that you want - people think this sells, and it does for some reason - but eventually you'll fail once in a while, and then you have to make the most out of it. I could only hope this happens. Insert another failure.

Somehow I've already gotten used to life when everything you plan goes wrong when it can. I used to be very optimistic, but that was in childhood - it's very much like us not going to the rain because we might get sick, but going nevertheless because we get wet. If you could do something about it, then all is good. If not, you can still do - weird, yes, contradictory, but true - because that's the way things are built. Just this week things did go wrong, I'll admit. It's all a matter of taking it as an opportunity to get more money, for the superficial kind, or to question the system if you have to. Then I'll admit that things are very complicated, and I cannot be possibly right.

I still hope that, along with Jaja, my transfer request gets approved, although I think Jackie is implying that there's nothing in the way that suggests otherwise. School is finally picking up, if not for the fair share of controversies, last-minute photocopies and brainstorming (or the lack of it, even for the smallest things) - and then there are the things that give you a sigh of relief. When all is lost, you realize that you've been paranoid all along. And wanting things to be perfect.

Then, it's your turn to figure out whether this implies something else or not.

And your responses...

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