10/23/2007
For a minute there, I lost myself

"I don't usually talk about this, but you know that feeling, right? It's just a crush, but either I fuss over it too much or too little."

"Yeah. When it's not supposed to be a big deal, but it feels like one."

"Or the other way around. I don't know why but I hate it."

"Yeah. Hassle lang."

"And these things get you paranoid."

I actually feel the need to elaborate without stating anything, but today felt like the biggest Freudian slip of my life. The funnier thing is, unlike the usual, when people catch themselves blurting out foolish statements by covering their mouths and denying it to death, I just let it flow like anything else that happens. It never gets dismissed, but rather it gets categorized, as part of my so-called "natural wit" - a good thing, nevertheless, because I get rewarded (in the sarcastic sense of the word) with blank, puzzled stares.

The best thing is the dismissing part. Or maybe dismissing is not the right term - more of pushing it to the bottom of the list. A change of priorities. In a time when too much can be done, and should be done, you can't afford getting confused, and thankfully I have mastered the art of doing just that. It's going on for so long, but it can only last for so long either.

It happens when you least expect it - when you're busy having fun.

But so what? I told Karla yesterday, that I don't really bother telling anyone anymore, because I don't really have to. Maybe I have swung to another extreme - of being too comfortable with it. Things just come up in the most random of conversations. It's not becoming so strongly guarded a secret, but it just doesn't filter through conversations about cheese and rats. It provides a false sense of whatever - an assurance that nothing wrong will happen. And what wrong means depends on the flavor of the week.

Nothing wrong has happened, so far. It probably seems to merely be a case of paranoia inserted in the wrong places, because one thing asserts itself to reflect what one means and wants, and another thing is gullible enough to gobble it up. But if one wants to stay stuck to the ground and be a little more realistic in order to prevent himself from getting hurt all over again, there is always another who'd want to throw him up in the air to reach for something that's obviously unreachable.

But why one pounces at every opportunity to connect to something that's otherwise very different remains a question. Either it's an unrecognized obsession, or a weird desperation, or just something.

"I do feel something, but it is flimsy. So it gets dismissed. I just don't like something affirming it for me."

"Like the meme."

"Yeah. Someone, no. Something, even more."

"What if it gets affirmed by something before it actually happens?"

"That's more. Because - let me tell you this..."

And your responses...

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