My conversation with Jason over lunch today was a bit unusual. Maybe it's because we haven't talked about anything else but thesis for the past term or so - this time, we were talking about all of my online friends, from my "missed opportunities" with Issa to the meet-up with Lizette. Oh, and something else - what basically amounts to a date, at least in his opinion. And I was trying my best to act civil, since I was itching to get back to doing what I was working on.
If I went to school late on Mondays, though, I would have a lot of savings. For the past two months or so I have gone to school up to four hours earlier for my class, and in recent weeks, it's gone to six hours earlier. I'm okay with lunch, but lunch accumulates eventually and your expenses blow up. Something must justify your extra spending.
One class at four in the afternoon? Must be very interesting, indeed.
I can't find the time, nevertheless. I, surprisingly, haven't started for my research paper in journalism class, and now I only have around two weeks to get sources, interviews, and analyses together. Pair that with twelve days to work on our thesis proposal, provided that we get approved. So far that's the last two things I'd want to work with, and yet have to work with. I sometimes feel guilty to realize that everybody on YM says they're busy, while I'm typing on this form again. I've had the same sentiments before, but it couldn't be more applicable now.
And, even worse, nothing keeps me fun on Mondays. Today, especially, I realize the extent of my timidity.
I went to the editing bay to call Anna for recording. This was at around two in the afternoon; she has gender studies class in half an hour. I couldn't disturb her because she was editing and Milan was there. I couldn't find a connection why, but you know me. (And if you're thinking of something else, then you know me too much.) When we met two hours later, she said I should've tapped her shoulders or something, since she wasn't hearing me inside the editing bay. We're extending recording, again, to tomorrow. Isn't that nice?
I don't know, but I always manage to find a way to ruin my day, just by reflecting over it. The story earlier wasn't really much, although if you think that she actually cut her class to finish editing, and I actually was blaming myself for the unintended delay. Even earlier, there was Jason telling me about what counts as a date. In my little world I somehow manage to call that meet-up a date, but think about this - there wasn't any food involved. Just a bench, a camera, and a hour-long conversation.
But I don't blame myself if the Lizette meet-up ended that way. Eventually you have to know I lied to Jason, out of impulse, and eventually you have to know that it's the way I wanted it to be. Besides, I was strapped for money but wanted to buy a frap anyway. I did offer her, and we both refused.
As for the story with Issa in Baguio, if I did call her out, it wouldn't have been a missed opportunity, and if I end up having children, it would be a nice story to tell.
And, in school, things would have been so much better if I just wasn't content with what I have.
For the past two weeks I've had a certain ritual, if you'd call it as such. After doing what I have to do - either work on what I have to do or cram it - I end up opening my YM window, looking at the list, and actually hesitating to share my stories with whoever strikes my fancy. Well, everybody always seems busy, so I must be right, but I also know so well that it is easy to lie, and status messages are merely words that are supposed to mean something.
As I think about the possibilities, I forget what I'm supposed to say next, remember my timidity, and ruin my day. It's effortless, but it's not as easy as you think. Much more, definitely, if you don't see anything that will make it easy.
Better yet, why do I even bother?