11/19/2007
Silver endings, or how to frustrate yourself

Expectations.

People say I expect too much from them. And rightfully so. We may pretend to live under the tenets of community and anything else that's collective, but the bottom line is, we all live to save our butts from getting ripped off.

People expect so many things from other people. Sure, we all live in a society that has standards and values, and once we decide to differ slightly we're forced out. Our professors have requirements - many requirements. Our friends want conversations, commitments and sweet yams (or ultimate bonding experiences). Our lovers, well, probably want, or demand more.

And if you don't fulfill even just one of them, you're in hot water. You get marked for life. You repeat the class. You get tagged as anti-social, or even worse, insensitive. Or is it the other way around?

If there's a change lately, it's in who gets to do what. They say captains are supposed to be the last to abandon ship, but tomorrow I'm going to The Manila Times rather than leave two days before with the group I'm supposed to lead. It's weird to, for once, not have the responsibility you're so used to grabbing, or being given. I could even think of it as a bruise to the tattered ego, as a vote of no confidence. Actually it is a breather. I don't end up needing to ask all the important questions.

Sometimes, though, the expectations people have for me, and the other way around, just comes up by default. Nothing interesting really happens - you know the formula. Get me, and you know who to turn to. You know the one person who will definitely send our emails and text messages at the most ridiculous of times. In the end I fall into a deep sleep while the rest is full of energy. I must be a sucker for all of this, right?

Some people actually don't care about the other things I am supposed to do in life. More so in a world such as ours, where fat is not worthy of your trust, sex is a meeting of the nerves, and the female face is basically a third... you get the idea. I may be the one who's pressuring myself, but the signs are everywhere - society is starting to frown on me! And all the answers and excuses I give out are going nowhere, since they'll insist on what they think is right for me now.

Even worse, I am being brainwashed.

Instincts aside, I am starting to become a little bit more human, in the sense that my "desires" - very much denied - are starting to manifest. And yes, I have been calling myself a pervert for so many times within the past week. There is a gap, it must be filled, but unlike radio license applications in England, you can't do research about it. Today it's discopunk, tomorrow it's prettier avatars, and the next day it's simple deprivation. Unpredictable, but all point in one direction. I am starting to fail myself, and that's because they said so.

I almost thought these things are over, but I guess I can't deny the fact that I am part of this society, and being just that I have to conform to everything they impose. (Who are they to impose stuff anyway?) All that they say about life, death, and everything in between - it's a big batch of expectation you're supposed to live up to. You can only take so many different paths, but you end up being groomed for something you're ought to get. Once you lose it, you realize that you need it, much like sea critters need water, or humans need love.

I remain committed to a predictable ending.

And your responses...

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