2/05/2008
"I can only do 'what-ifs' now"

"I guess unfortunate circumstances inevitably cross our paths," Jem began. At the back of my head, I was slightly spooked. Oh no, I thought. Who died?

"Just got held up minutes ago in a Sta. Cruz jeepney I took on my way home," she continued. I sighed in relief. She was becoming her writer's self again, putting to use the very things that got me in a less prominent position in the traditional school hierarchy. She then asked for our phone numbers, which probably made the situation a bit mind-numbing: just hours ago, I saw her texting. Little would I know it would be gone.

But she wasn't finished. "Am awfully devastated," she wrote in between parentheses. "Am thinkin' I should've gotten off when I felt like somethin' unpleasant's bound to happen but I didn't. Listen to your instincts, ayt?"

If everything falls on instincts, then I guess I must be dead. Maybe it's my tendency not to trust what it says, preferring instead to go through rigorous calculations before figuring out what to do next. I may have a sense of direction when it comes to maps, but I would still need a phone call before leaving, and I'd miss the stop once I'm there. Some say the eldest child sticks to everything as written, missing out on the entire point, and probably that is correct. Call me one who wants everything to happen the way it should be - what that "should be" is highly depends - and, almost always, nothing happens.

Whatever I'm doing, then, almost always feels rudimentary. It's perfectly rushed to make me feel that I am doing something right, maybe push one idea to oblivion, denying things to bits, only to make me believe that, yes, things are going right. At least I'm following things by the letter, right?

Make the most of what you have. We're not really taught this per se, but the finger points to resourcefulness, to MacGyver making the most out of whatever he sees around him. If you're only to become happy, then there are two things around it: try to get that one thing that will make you smile, and if all else fails, make the most of what you have. Live through your worst relationship, or if you've got the money, get this done, even if I absolutely abhor the thought. Do whatever makes your heart happy - it needs no calculations, because the biggest pleasures entails risks, the satisfaction it brings, and the death it almost causes.

Caution, well, is a confusing thing nowadays. The worst thing that could actually happen is if someone gets hurt. Look around you, and you'll hear everyone wish there would be less casualties. Caution can be good, but sometimes it does more harm - sometimes I don't even know what my problem is, in an attempt to make it presentable!

So what should one do? What should I do?

I guess, pretty much like Jem, we can merely speculate. We can only do "what-ifs" now.

And your responses...

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