2/27/2008
If the universe conspires

"Well, not really," I told Denise. "But you know the feeling when you should've?"

"Well," she answered. "If it's meant to happen, it will. You'll just feel it. You'll know when the time is right."

Yesterday somehow felt that way. As I managed to dodge doubts about my most sincere intentions, in the middle of trying to keep up with expectations and appearances, it suddenly struck me. Well, I thought, now that I'm in the middle of it, I might as well go to the end. But, as Denise and I somehow agreed on, you'll just feel when the right time comes. I could've actually forced myself to believe that it is the right time.

Tonight she went on to quote, among all people, Paulo Coelho. I'm not one who's exposed to his works, and one who wonders why the rest of my book-reading friends, especially the girls, love him so much. Maybe it's the way his novels manage to catch the sentiments of most of the lovestruck, coupled with a way around the language.

To be honest, what Denise quoted was fairly interesting, and one for my I-wonder-how-they-do-it lines. "When you want something," The Alchemist apparently says, "all the universe will conspire to help you achieve it." The first thing that came to mind was its similarity to a Rivermaya song lyric, of what turns to be a romantically-bound song. I don't really scoff at the thought, because literature and music basically influence each other, but then again, lately, I don't really feel that way. In fact, it seems to be the opposite.

Lately I have noticed that, for some reason, I am reverting to my old me. Back then, the best way to get things done is to do some shouting, and obviously it freaked people out. Within the past two weeks I got annoyed by more people than the past few terms combined. It seems that, with all the innocence and naïvete I'm supposed to exude, I still manage to get blamed for things I would never have intended to do. Quite frankly, I feel hopeless.

But maybe the universe does conspire. I stand alone again, going against the flow of people who all think they're better than I am - shutting me out, leaving me to fall sick, and hoping that I never bugger again. This will sound coincidentally close to martyrdom, but if you're in the middle of some turmoil that you never imagined will happen in the longest time, you're always given a flotation device. I have a needle and tried to pop it, but I actually can't, because it's the only thing that keeps me afloat.

And yet, being stuck with something around your body in a sea of salty liquid is not the best feeling in the world. You've got to move on, somehow.

Express your gratitude, and move on.

"I don't know if I should say thanks for your optimism," I told Denise, whose optimism has been an eye-opener on the nightly conferences. "Or, no thanks for my indecisiveness. I mean, up to now I think it's nothing groundbreaking, nothing crucial, nothing significant, nothing nothing."

"Well, it's not nothing when you think of something," she replied.

Humans do love the feeling of flying. That feeling when you know that, all around you, nothing's going to hold you back, to get you back down. The best thing is, you're moving forward, not falling down.

"I mean, obviously it's what you're thinking of right now," she continued, "and it's what's bothering you, so that can't be nothing."

I thought today was the right time, but as I myself thought, it never came. Maybe I just feel so hard-pressed for time lately - the fact that everybody seems to want to get things done, and yet can't - that I myself want to just get to the end, since I'm in the middle of it anyway. The funny thing is, I actually am pretty serious about it unlike last time, although it has never really bothered me as much as before. Or so I prefer to think.

But maybe it's only you who thinks it's the right time, and it's just the way things fall against you.

The universe fails to conspire.

And your responses...

niko... the universe did not fail to conspire! :D

you have to ask is it what you really really really want?

then if the answer is yes...
the universe is still conspiring..
wait for it! :D

Anonymous denise2/28/2008     

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