3/06/2008
Dodge and burn

I tried it over the weekend. As I slept, I took in a long breath, covered my face with a pillow, and tried to sleep. It was very uncomfortable, but I think it's the price one has to pay for being finally at peace.

It's funny, actually. Five weeks ago I was at some sort of high, fueled by far-off possibilities inching towards truth. In fact, it felt like high school all over again. Now I don't feel anything but that burning feeling in my chest that occurs whenever I feel something bad is about to happen. Before, I associated it with hesitation - whenever a crush passes by, and I end up so mesmerized I don't say anything - but now, it's really getting uncomfortable.

Surely you're getting it too, right? That feeling when all that you've worked on seems to have gone for naught. After all the effort, you feel that everybody is blaming you for things that are beyond your control anyway. You're the bad person, the one who needs backing up, the one who needs to beg for a second chance. You're the one who's probably contemplating suicide.

I haven't, but I almost have. Just holding my breath is uncomfortable; what more if you pursue it anyway, only to die with your eyes open? You'll look stupid in bed, and so will the mourners around you. Never mind the problems it will bring to your reputation. You will be popular for all the wrong reasons - "ay, nagpakamatay yung bata, kawawa naman" - but after a while, you have achieved it.

Peace. Nothing will bother you anymore. There's no more ego to be bruised, which means you will no longer be affected by showings of might and supremacy. I'm honestly tired of having to connect old perceptions of me being the best with the newer ideas that it's actually the other way around. Call me contrived, but something obviously went wrong, and it can only be solved with something potentially drastic. Of course, the hope is that there would be another chance to finally get things right, or else any attempt would be futile.

It's probably a case of burnout. After three years of finding no long-term solution to a problem which I can't even fully define, nothing's left of my perseverance, or positivity, or whatever. Everything's just like that - a laugh is a burst of air with vibrations inside. A cry is the same. Maybe all I need is a two-year vacation to counter the effects of my shock immersion merely halfway to the real world, but if I have to go to the end of the trip, I might as well end it early, right?

Yes, this explains why I have been writing, and actually contemplating, about death for some time. It must be fun looking down on people, seeing how hapless they can be. And then you realize you got there because you're hapless, too. Oh, the irony.

And your responses...

I've tried suffocating myself a bunch of times. But really, suicide is just NOT the answer to everything. Don't be a coward. You know you're stronger than that. :)

Anonymous Anna3/06/2008     

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