3/18/2008
Scrapped

I don't know what Joy was thinking. All I know is, I was late for the pizza.

It's a very cheesy song, I know. Honesty is such a lovely word, it goes. As much as you barely hear it nowadays, it's still one of the most important things once should have. It may hurt but, as I told Kently a few minutes ago, thunderstorms form a lovely light show.

The narration was breaking down, so I took the radio from our room and placed it beside me. Before I could start on the hot seat, Kently placed himself there. It must have been a hard thing to do, but if you've already been through much more, then telling the world about it must be easier, right? As I plugged the radio back, quickly turned it on, and played with the volume, I was in shock. "My god," I told myself. "Binanggit niya pangalan ni Daes!"

Love stories, as we all know, can get complicated. Before we could declare one thing, another comes up, and the cycle becomes so vicious we don't know what to call it anymore. I know what happened, but hearing it as it is can still pain you. I don't know - was it the name-dropping, or the words he used, or the strength used in just putting this all together? Was it that one moment when he finally typed in the letter, sent it, and realized that it went to the wrong email address altogether?

That's the funny thing, really. Those feelings got encapsulated in fifteen minutes or so, aired towards an unsuspecting population, and now the folks at the conference are sending in some words of comfort. "Time is a bitch," I typed in, "but, like all bitches, they become mature, and help along." It reminds me of the time when I was hating time for taking so long to heal the pain. And then, I realize that getting hurt didn't make any sense, because there wasn't any reason to do so anyway.

Nevertheless, that moment in time got all of us depressed. I was seriously compelled to cry, if not for good bacteria interfering with my natural processes.

On my way home, I somehow occurred to something. All along I was claiming that I wasn't happy, that I'm still looking for that one thing that will finally put an indelible smile on my face. But the night before, someone was talking about denial, and then it occurred to me, that probably I'm just not satisfied with what I have, but I am happy - really happy - because I know what that one thing is. I'm actually happy, and that's the reason why I force my cynicism in, knowing that being happy is not the right thing for me to be. Not right, take note. But natural, yes.

Again, as they say, honesty is such a lovely word. Lovely brings so much power to the sentence. It's bliss beyond the five letters it was given. It's happiness beyond cloud nine. It's confusion anticipated, and it's pain personified. But if the best things always start with honesty, then maybe I have to be honest with myself. I may be wrong, and maybe I soon will prove myself wrong, but it is the best thing to do.

Yes, I think I really do. But not yet.

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