4/23/2008
Honeymoon is over

"...when all we need is some relief from these hard times."

The past three days have been very, very weird. An upheaval, perhaps, from old routines. Maybe a realization that things are going their way, and not yours. Things go well one time, and then shift gears the next; you might as well stop expecting.

I wonder what happened to the three people I met during the auditions? I may have not made it - the results are apparently out, and I haven't received a text message - but for the past three weeks I chose to just forget about it. I also forgot about those three whose names escape my memory, although I technically have a photo with them, when they asked for one with Tin, before they went out in search of a photo with Andi. It's funny that I can't possibly have a copy of that little memory, because of timidity in my part, or circumstance in theirs.

It's a third refusal, and already I'm used to it; rejection can come in much painful forms. Besides, more significant events, if we can call it that, have happened and are asking for more attention. Monday, for instance, saw me finally give our final thesis report to the department, regardless of it having been signed by the department chair, or "Miss D", if you're from the same batch as me. The only grilling I got was from Miss Agnes, who commented that packaging for theses have improved as terms give way to years. Never mind if the stills Jason gave me were pixelated; there was nothing I could do about it, anyway.

They say change is inevitable, and the best we could do about it is deal with it. What was once a blossoming relationship can quickly turn sour; whoever's to blame is an entirely different thing. One day, I was reflective and consequently apologetic; the next day, my fingers are tired from all the pointing. It must be hard tracking all these things, and today I feel like a blur; my phone call with Jalein was an indication, perhaps, of why more and more people prefer not to understand me than ever before.

In between campaign speeches on CNN and waiting for lunch to cook, I was dropping in and out again. I realized that I was reverting to my old self - that I was back to wishing the worst for everybody, while still wanting people to gravitate genuinely towards me. Maybe we're just tired of the way things are going, but maybe it's that manner that has failed us, and so soon at that.

"Nag-text si Sam kanina, hindi ka daw nagre-reply."

"Nagpapalamig pa ako, eh..."

And back to that song we go. At one point I was fascinated at how, at one time, everybody I know seem to find an affinity with everything Rob Thomas was saying. On the bus, someone said miles away, that he seemed to convince everyone even if it never really needed doing so. A little rewind is in order, and nothing else reflects everything that I feel than those first words.

"Say goodbye, these days are gone..."

...and the more we get tired of why it seems to fail us, every single time. We look for answers, and all they throw at us are more questions, and an uncertainty as to whether everything we have worked on has ever bore fruit, or just rot into oblivion. The more we feel betrayed. The more we feel hopeless. The more we decide to just give up.

Funnier, it's the more reason we have to continue - and the more for me to stop wondering.

And your responses...

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