4/19/2008
The littlest big contributions

During the last weeks of the last term, I bumped into Chamy at the canteen. Although I've seen her many times since that term where we became classmates (and consequently got battered with pad paper and grades), it's only now that we had a little chit-chat, while we were waiting for lunch to arrive. Somewhere along the way, she mentioned that Ranice blogged about me somewhere, and she was surprised that we knew each other, and that we were close while she was still in DLSU. Surprised, but with another opportunity to blush, I wondered where it was.

I didn't really look for it, but last night, while Multiply-hopping out of boredom, I chanced upon that entry. It wasn't really anything potentially mind-blowing; in fact, it was mostly her posting what I first wrote about her. "He doesn't know this," she wrote, "but I read this every once in a while 'pag lungkot na lungkot na lungkot na ako, at 'pag feeling ko mag-isa na lang ako sa mundo."

It didn't really surprise me. We were chatting when I wrote that entry - actually a spur-of-the-moment thing - and I couldn't forget what she told me the moment she read the entry for the first time. "I'm super duper speechless," she typed in on the chat window. "Touched and... pa'no ba ako mag-re-react?"

That afternoon was probably our longest online conversation. Sure, she always has a way of disappearing in the middle of our conversations, but that day, I was very giddy, and very surprised that I actually made her very, very happy. "Super pinasaya mo ako sa sinabi moooooo," she said. Maybe it just came at the right time, I thought, since she claimed to have come from a depression. I don't know. That seems to have erased everything.

Last night, in the middle of sleepiness, all while in front of the computer, I was starting to grow nostalgic. It's been so long since she received the bad news - they call it ineligibility, but all it means is getting kicked out - and so long since I lamented the fact that all she will be, after everything is said and done, is a blip in the system. I guess it's inevitable, especially with everything that had to be done, and everything else that came in between. I remember actually dropping by her classroom, knowing that her culprit math classes would be over by that time, and not knowing what I'm actually doing there. I guess it was exciting that way, although it wasn't always when I saw her, and for that matter, greet her. I got back my calculator soon, but the next thing I knew, she's out.

All of those stories, whether written or not, have suddenly come back. There were many that were vaguely told - moments that I wondered about more than remembered clearly. There were many, even, that are just simply blurry nowadays. Maybe there's no compelling reason for those stories to even exist, but somehow they do, and I still wonder about what really happened while I surrender everything to chance. Things just happen; this is one of those.

Then again, this could be the very disadvantage of departure - everything really becomes a blur. You're left to forget, and inevitably, that's precisely what happened. Of course, physical absence is one thing, but along the way, while we were busy, she coped with her transfer and eventually disappeared. I know we couldn't disturb her, but something had to go missing, of course. And now, I find myself going sentimental, assisted by salted peanuts and chocolate.

But it simply moves to the back of your head, really. It only takes one thing for memories to just come in - in this case, Ranice's repost. "And it's sad that I miss those times," she wrote half a year ago. "Good times. Weird times."

Remembering what Chamy told me at the canteen, I somehow knew where it was going next.

"I love Niko for appreciating me," Ranice wrote.

My mind went back to that conversation. "Last na," she said, before appending another hug smiley to the chat window. Call it euphoria, call it exaggeration, but I felt my spine tingle when she followed it up. In jest, of course. "Mahal na kita!"

I was looking for what technically is my last photo of her. That was the time when she surprisingly dropped by the campus to have some things followed up, to aid her admission to CSB. We were seated on the bench in front of the door to Z2, talking about school subjects and whatever we've both been up to. That afternoon, she left quickly, and while she walked away I took my camera and had one last snap of her. That photo's been missing, for some reason.

The next I would see her was somewhere along Taft Avenue, in another one of those hot afternoons. I was with Jason, doing something I can't recall anymore. She barely noticed us, or she was having a bad day.

Three months ago, she posted something on my Facebook page. "It's been a long time!" she went.

Right now, she still keeps on disappearing. But I'm reading that entry I posted, again, and somehow I cannot understand how ten random paragraphs about how quickly I grew comfortable with her would do so much. Besides, that entry was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and that'd always be composed of nonsense that my head is nurturing. In that case, it's just me being giddy and surprised at the same time, but I wasn't really hoping for anything. But something had to happen along the way, of course. And that, I still don't understand.

But here's to Ranice, and to what I've been missing for the longest time.

And no, this still isn't what you think it is. But what do you have to say about that now?

And your responses...

Ah, the power of blogging. :D

Blogger Raisa4/20/2008     

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