6/15/2008
For the one who disappeared

They say I'm always prepared with a very cynical comment. I'd always see something they'd rather not see in anything and everything, and probably I'd always argue with them about it, so passionately that I become this annoying person who keeps biting other people's heads off for his own sake. They always say that they shouldn't talk to me, because I am angry at the world.

And so what if I am?

If you're unlucky, you'd probably see my very cynical side. I might be going through something pretty terrible, or I'm just grumbling about what someone said, but there'll always be a point in our timeline when you'll see me squawking about the end of the world. And yes, in the end I'll be getting the grunt of everything else, because with my apparently efforts at honesty - or at least, what I think is honesty - would only turn people away. Perhaps, was he ever happy would be ringing in their heads for a split-second, before they finally decide to not give a damn, maybe forever.

I've stopped explaining even mere fragments about why I can go like this - why, in fleeting moments of happiness, I'm floating amongst the clouds hoping that the moment wouldn't end. Those who know very well know that I've actually repressed everything about it - why high school, or at least the start of it, proved to be the complete opposite of where I came from - and that I actually choose not to talk about it because it's all over. Nobody can deny, however, that it has pretty much left a dent in my psyche. And that's keeping things modest.

But have you ever been through that moment when everything that you thought is worth fighting for is suddenly challenged? Have you ever experienced just asking about it, and not being given the answers that you think justifies everything? Have you ever seen everybody around you scream out, "don't bother thinking about it, because we won't give a damn anyway," before pushing you out of the door?

Have you ever felt desperate to be heard, only to be unceremoniously shown the door and blame it on your being different?

I guess there lies the problem with being sheltered for the longest time. You end up thinking that mostly everybody agrees with you, and every disagreement can be solved with a wink and a magic wand. But shake things up a little bit, and with the right circumstances, you'll be just like me - what you used to describe as someone who keeps on whining about everything, from the bickering in government to the insane popularity of reality show contestants, and insists on letting others see it, even if they refuse to.

But I'll give it to them. There is a silver lining, but that's all gone. I've said goodbye, perhaps somewhat prematurely, to the things that make me leap rather than run, and laugh rather than grin. The past years have seen me through many things that you shrug off as ordinary, and although I'd like to think I came out stronger because of it, nothing comes close to how things should've gone. And what you see - or refuse to see - is a result of what I saw and what you don't want to believe in: someone tired of the world and yearning for comfort amidst the crap that everybody else gives.

Someone once told me succinctly: "go find your own happiness," and with a conviction - it's something I've been always told. They think I'm consumed with complaining and forcing others through a black hole. I think I'm just looking for what has been lost, and what I think I should have. And there it goes again, the fact that nothing will ever be certain. I guess.

And your responses...

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