6/14/2008
Get a life

Slightly swoony from answering Raisa's questions, I realized how much of a potential loser I am.

"What's your favorite hangout?" she asked. I couldn't really think of an answer, but as I have always tried to be truthful with every answer, I typed mine in without hesitation. I somewhat rambled about how I spent almost every break at an Internet café, chatting with the rest of the world, while wondering why so many spend their breaks blowing their allowances for online games.

That was a hard question to answer, really, since I'm not really the type to spend my time elsewhere aside from where I am supposed to be. Back then, though, I thought I had something to console myself. Every time I go to the mall - not usually by myself - I end up at the same places: the bookstore, the record bar, the food court. "Makes me look like a usual kid, eh?"

Actually, I think that I'm not. Sure, many people have almost wanted to fight me over my irrepressible mindset that I'm a lost soul because I don't go out with friends - there's always many realities, and I'm just in one of those that the noisy don't consider cool, they say - but with the possibility of actual air-quoted independence looming, I can't help but wonder about it.

When I was in third year, it was one of my most pressing concerns. I'd talk to our guidance counselor, Miss Pam - who has since, I guess, flown to California - and talked about how badly I wanted to feel independent, and at the same time, how scared I am of being such. "Kapag nag-college ka na," she said, "mararamdaman mo rin iyan." Back then, I thought that going out and being in the company of a different set of people amounts for independence, or at least the feeling of being unrestricted. Sounds flossy, I know.

In the past three years, of course, I have pretty much let my hair down - or what remains of it, especially after a haircut - and done whatever I think I should do. College was fun because, for once, I was doing what I thought I should do. Miss Pam was right - I did feel independent, to an extent, at least until the wallet cries for help and you're stuck in the middle of nowhere. Despite the permissions and the phone calls, it still worked out pretty fine - at least until dismissal time.

Raisa's fifth question was more, err, implicating. "What do you normally do on a Friday night?"

The first image that went to my head was one of the BonoSoc photos - taken somewhere out, definitely at night - that has been consistently reposted by those whose college lives are nearing an end. I never really was on a night-out with friends; the closest, perhaps, happened when it was connected to something school-related, like thesis, or this. And not everybody really invited me to anything like it, so I guess it never really felt like much.

What to answer, then? Honesty sets in, again. "But Fridays are usually my designated matulog-ka-ng-maaga day..." perhaps speaks wonders.

And then it occurred to me. I have a life, or so I think. Is it really a life?

At some points when I was creeping towards relying entirely on the biters for a social life, I was wondering about what the others possibly think. Perhaps another fit of excessive consciousness - I never bothered, although sometimes it did feel like people were surprised - but it eventually makes you feel pathetic at times. Well, nobody would talk to you aside from school-related stuff, so you'll rely on people that you barely know, but talk to you nevertheless? And then, you start to become somewhat excessively attached to them, until things slowly go terribly wrong?

It does fill in the need - a need, really? - for a lack of restriction. There have been quite a handful of adventures, but eventually you stop and wonder whether it really stacks up to anything. Sure, we had fun, and we had the opposite of fun, and some may say we've been through a lot - that goes to you, Edaine - but was it all worth it? Or, better yet, will it really last?

I perhaps might have done the right thing, but with all of the nonsense that has been circulating my head nowadays, I'd appeal to myself, from out of nowhere, to get a life. And perhaps, with a new beginning almost imminent, I should perhaps go and start something all over again. Mistakes were done, and self-consciousness aside, I must've stumbled so many times to feel that things aren't working out fine. Or, if they have, they are just not enough. Not that I'm pushing everything else away, but it really is time to move on - away from old assumptions, away from old beliefs, and into, well, coffee and meet-ups that really mean something.

Perhaps we'll bumble somehow, but I guess that's where it begins. Frustrations spark stuff. Maybe nothing happened out of the meet-up invitation that happened after I answered the questions - an effort triggered by my slight swooniness growing into something unprecedented - but somehow, somewhere, soon, I will indeed get a life that everybody thinks I should've had if I wanted to stay sane. But let's not end it with the words "it's a risk." Then again, I have.

And your responses...

I did feel independent, to an extent, at least until the wallet cries for help and you're stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Haha, so true. I had that talk with my counselor also!! I wanted to become independent but of course, I can't just become independent, I'd have to feel independent first. And yeah, college made me feel a little bit of that independence but it doesn't fill up the whole space, if you get what I mean.
Anyway, I think YOU do have a life naman eh. We just all have different lifestyles.. How we live it and what we choose to do -- that's our life right there. :)

Anonymous Shari6/15/2008     

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